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Closing out my time in SG: Even If

Back in May 2018, I had a chance to share with my church family. 

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As I wrap up my three years in Singapore, I would like to share some of my closing thoughts as many of you have played an integral role in my life here.

There were three main reasons I moved out here back in 2015:

A) I wanted to help build a new institution in a new career field . The student-facing role  has not only been fulfilling but life-giving, allowing me to represent more of my full-self in a professional setting. 

B) I wanted to work on my relationship with my family in Korea, and being closer in proximity was one intentional way to keep myself accountable. God has given me more wisdom and boldness to share more of my life with my earthly family, in ways that I have learned from my spiritual family. 

C) I wanted to be a part of HMCC again, to help it grow in a different part of the world. When I first came I thought I would be here to give, but have received so much more instead.

Those were the aspects I expected out of my time here, and I praise God for the ways he has empowered me to live with boldness and wisdom.

There were also some unexpected lessons, challenges, and blessings.

For example - last year around this time, I battling new feelings of hopelessness, faithlessness, and darkness . I couldn't shake the feeling of discontentment for most of the year regardless of my achievements, willpower, or plans and it was hard to wake up every day.
 
I felt overwhelmed by questions I didn't have answers to - like how to embrace my singleness, how to strive for excellence without feeling entitled, or how to get right with God when I felt unmotivated.

My three years here felt like a period of humbling and testing, to know what is really in my heart, whether or not I would keep his commands. 

Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. (Deuteronomy 8:2)

Things I prayed:
  • To embrace change
  • To be bold in relationships
  • To find joy 
  • To love the Church
  • To embrace present circumstances
  • To surrender outcomes
  • A future partner
  • To go deeper
  • My personal ministry 
  • To persevere through pain
  • To hope
  • Against discouragement
  • Provisions for job, housemates 

I prayed for many things during my time here - some of which I felt were answered, and others which I felt like have not. These questions and uncertainties often made me wonder about God's role in my life, and whether I would still recognize Him as God when my life wasn't fully what I hoped it to be.
 
That's probably one of the biggest lessons I will take away from my time here - God is still God, and worthy to be praised, whether he answers my prayers or not, whether  i get what i expect or not, whether i feel like it or not. 

On some days I really loved Jesus but on many days I didn't . Thank you for caring for me, praying for me, speaking truth to me even when I pushed you away or didn't want it. Without this kind of generous grace and commitment I'm not sure if i would be leaving this place having persevered.

If you'd like to pray for me through my transition back to the US, this list is still relevant. I expect that the journey ahead will be filled with more trials and testing, and wish to keep my focus on Jesus despite what lies ahead. May Christ be the one who receives the glory.

Now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold ...—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. (1 Pet. 1:6–7)

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