Live Out Loud

I haven't wanted to write updates in a long time. I didn't feel like I had anything "update-worthy" because I haven't had any big revelations that I was excited to share about. I still feel this way even after our church-wide retreat last weekend, but am trying to fight every thought in me that thinks that I should only share when I have something glorious to rave about. The past few months have been tough - often feeling joyless, dead-ended, and stuck. What I discovered during our retreat themed VICTORIOUS however, was that the reason for me feeling this way is because I've only been looking inwards. Many questions have been on my mind lately, on how long I should be where I am in this season in my life. I had tried asking God for clarity in these questions, but felt like he wasn't answering. In the midst of asking and waiting, my humanly expectations crept in and mixed with my expectations from God. When I sat down to think through, 'What did G

Yesterday I ran over a large bump while cycling and ended up falling off my bike (surprisingly for the first time). There were no serious injuries (just a scraped knee) but I was in quite a bit of pain for the rest of the day. I partially blame my low pain tolerance but also caught myself thinking about what I've been praying for recently. I remember sharing with the OCR team two days ago how I know in theory that God loves those that are needy & poor in spirit--but how hard it is for me to actually believe it and live it out. I had asked God to help align my head to my heart in allowing me to joyfully and unashamedly be needy before Him. Truth is, I spent most of my birthday trying to force a smile thru the gatherings and hide the misery I was enduring. I was unable to function as I normally would, but couldn't stand the thought of hinting at any sign of "weakness". A friend asked at dinner if I had cold sores, which I was so surprised she knew about; I hadn&

Yesterday at work I burst into tears. It was embarrassing and I didn't want to let it happen, but I will admit that it felt good to let out my fears, frustrations, and anxieties. The last time I cried at work was when I was at Deloitte. I am so glad that I do what I do, but sometimes I find it funny that my work nowadays is more demanding than working at a large consulting firm. God help me to trust you, to cast my burdens on you, instead of holding my anxieties to myself.

I am starting to see patterns emerging from the fast every year

I am from piano keys, math workbooks, sleepy subway rides. I am from grassy lawns, rollerblading in suburbia, and turnpikes all throughout the armpit of America. I am from a neighborhood filled with children I tutored, feeling the pressure to live up to my family name, never having cousins, aunts, or uncles to eat a holiday feast with. I am from what looks like a flawless family on the outside, but to me, one lacking in intimacy, emotion, and real connection. Having real conversations is a new concept, one I only experienced once I left home. "Only speak Korean in the house," perhaps the language contributed. Some things I didn't understand then, but am forever grateful for now. I am from pan fried mackerel and tofu my father loves, potatoes and rice dismissed. I am from my boxes of time capsules filled with memories from Korea and New Jersey, stored away in a corner of my home.