Live Out Loud

"NY will you stay here until I graduate?" ......  (heck no) Perhaps that's the very thing I need to surrender

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” - C.S. Lewis

October is Clergy Appreciation Month and I was really excited this year when the Publication team prepared twice as many prayer cards than we have in the years past. When I first came into HMCC as a freshman, there were five pastors on staff here in Ann Arbor. Since then, we've been sending them out one by one to start churches in places like Austin and Jakarta. To see us add pastors and staff here in Ann Arbor and at our global sites, is an answer to prayers I lifted up since my time in college. How I've been blessed.. I started getting to know Diana starting my senior year, and have had the privilege of being on the receiving end of her prayers, counseling, and mentorship. She was actually one of the first people to greet me at the Posting Wall when I walked into HMCC for the first time as a long-lost freshman. Through the years, one thing I’ve been really impacted by is the countless chances Diana has given me despite the number of times I’ve dropped the ball or m

As someone that is fairly confident of my calling to the secular workplace, I've always wondered how to glorify God through my work. I read this on John Piper's blog and had to share. Dependence . Go to work utterly dependent on God ( Proverbs 3:5-6 ;  John 15:5 ). Without him you can’t breathe, move, think, feel, or talk. Not to mention be spiritually influential. Get up in the morning and let God know your desperation for him. Pray for help. Integrity . Be absolutely and meticulously honest and trustworthy on the job. Be on time. Give a full day’s work. “Thou shalt not steal.” More people rob their employers by being slackers than by filching the petty cash. Skill . Get good at what you do. God has given you not only the grace of integrity but the gift of skills. Treasure that gift and be a good steward of those skills. This growth in skill is built on dependence and integrity. Corporate shaping . As you have influence and opportunity, shape the ethos of the workp

I will never forget the day this summer when I woke up with a sharp pain in my left knee. I had never experienced any bodily injuries or discomfort, so it was a completely strange concept to me. The pain was unbearable when I was using the stairs, and I couldn't walk without limping for about six weeks. When I visited the doctor I was told I had a case of patellofemoral pain syndrome , also known as runner's knee. Considering how out-of-the-blue this was, I remember thinking, "What have I been praying for lately?" And then I remembered. All throughout spring training when our missions team was running together, I had a hard time being understanding and sympathetic towards teammates who had chronic body aches or disorders. I couldn't understand why they couldn't run at a faster rate, and frankly judged them for it. I thought I was better. A couple days after I started experiencing pain in my knee, I decided to participate in physical training with

I feel loved when people don't let me go. When they don't let me slide by with my surface-level answers. When they don't let me hide behind the blankets, the pillows, the scarves. When they look straight in my eyes until I actually answer the question. When they don't get impatient regardless of how long it takes. When they don't have any time constraints, when they sleepover because they know I'll take all night to let down the walls. I haven't felt loved like this in a while. Thanks God for using the unexpected of people to show me that the answer is Jesus only Jesus. Who woulda thunk that the tables would turn like this--

I don't like to say things I don't mean. In fact, if I don't mean it, I'll just stand there awkwardly and not.. say.. anything. This is why I often stand in silence during times of worship, if I can't honestly say I mean the words on the screen. So when I say that I love you and am committed to you , I hope you know that I mean it. Let's do this. 100%.

I  have so much man pride, it's disgusting. As I think about my CSMP experience a year ago, I cannot forget the time I pushed myself through physical training to the point of tears just because I didn't want to feel inferior, refusing to go to the doctor (yet alone getting a primary care physician). I put up this tough exterior but I am so weak.  On the contrary, I have so much respect for some of my friends who have been tested and tried through so much hardship and injustice that they have developed a resilient spirit. Some of them are small and perhaps look weaker than I do, but they have such strong spirits. Spirits that don't trust in themselves but in One who is greater.  I hesitated with my future decision a lot because I was afraid of the unknown, the unfamiliar. As I step away from what is safe and secure, I hope I can develop a more resilient spirit. One that is willing to walk through the fire and still trust in my one and only source of life. 

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you GREAT and UNSEARCHABLE things you do not know." I have no idea when I wrote this down on the back of my journal, but yes. I am so blind, thick-headed, and non-reflective. Please reveal and help me to recognize.

What makes a killer resume, cover letter, or interview response? When you're able to extract skills from a previous experience (no matter how unrelated it seems), and transfer them over for the position you're applying for. This requires much reflection to go beyond the titles and employer names that validate our experience. It's not an easy process, but transferable skills are so key. What I've been realizing recently is that I've missed out on a lot of opportunities to develop transferable skills/lifelong principles from the six-ish years I've considered myself a believer. CSMP has been so good for me this year because I'm learning principles, more than the "right answers." One principle that has been on my mind the past two weeks: The 4G's. Everything in our lives happens for our good, our growth, and God's glory. Based off of Romans 8:28, PSeth shared this at the prayer summit as we began the new ministry year. Today I wa

This year of LIFEgroup was hard. So ridiculously hard. It is by God's grace that we didn't give up. And if there's one thing I'm taking away from Core, it's that--the power in commitment and persevering, even when it's hard .  It was hard not only to keep the faith in the midst of our own lives, but hard to love one another. To forgive one another when we say things insensitively, to be honest with one another despite the risk of judgment, to give each other the benefit of the doubt at times when we're hurt.  It's hard to keep the faith in our trying moments of academic probation, unemployment, and family issues--but it's a whole 'nother level of investment to care for, maintain, and pour out our lives into relationships. Relationships that never even existed prior to being placed into the same LG--that takes faith. Core, thanks for sticking with your commitment to love and invest in one another.  Thanks for showing ME immen

I've never been a fan of running. Part of me still wonders how anyone can run for fun, but I think there are a lot of life lessons that can be extracted in parallel to this dreadful discipline. This past weekend I ran the Aruna 5K  to raise money for an organization fighting to end sex slavery in India. The run was not easy, but I had a moment during the 3.1 mile journey that I will not forget.  While running with my group, one of the sisters in my group pointed out that I wasn't running properly. What do you MEAN I'm not running properly? Do YOU even know how to run? Who are YOU to tell ME about running? At the first sign of correction, I cringed, walled up, and shut down. But part of me wanted to know, so I asked.  She proceeded to tell me that I was running with too much pressure on my feet, when I should be distributing my weight through my arms. I was skeptical at first, but when I gave it a shot I realized--she was right. Here I am, running with

Back in January,  I felt a desire to participate in a missions project this summer, but wasn't sure how it would work out given my full-time job. At first I thought that the obvious "right" thing to do was to surrender my job and participate in missions but something didn't feel right.  Thinking it might be a good idea to pray before making such a decision, I began our church's One Desire Fast with this in-mind as one of my areas of focus. A couple days into the fast, I stumbled across a section of my employee handbook in which I learned about a Sabbatical Program where qualified employees could take an extended time-off to pursue personal passions. Some people have taken advantage of this benefit to fulfill their dreams of traveling the world or working for a non-profit organization, and I saw this as my God-given opportunity to apply for missions. Why CSMP?  I signed up for the Community Summer Missions Project because.. I missed the times in college whe

I've been failing a lot of tests lately. #1: During spring break, my LIFEgroup took a road trip to TheMiddleOfNowhere, MI. Even though we intended to stick together through the three-hour road trip, I ended up implicitly pressuring the other drivers to drive faster than they felt comfortable going. The consequence? Two uneasy drivers and eventually a speeding ticket. Sadly I was more concerned about my car arriving at our destination efficiently more than keeping the group together. #2: During a missions meeting, ten of us were grouped together to recite memory verses. One person had such a hard time reciting Galatians 2:20 that so much of me wanted to take over and offer to just recite it on her behalf. While I was fuming with impatience, another teammate stepped in and patiently voiced that we wouldn't give up on her until she got it completely. I was so humbled and owned. #3: The night before Easter, my ministry team met at the Power Center to set up a display. Because

One of the most difficult conversations I had at work was about a year ago, when my manager hesitantly told me that I was being too vocal about my faith. I wasn't sure what to make of this, but this did get me (re)thinking about what it means to be a witness in the workplace. Fast forward to July 2012--I'm at Ford World Headquarters, listening to Alan Mulally share about key principles he used to lead his company in recent years. He accredited much of the company's success on their new motto-- Go Further . Ford believes that by going further than what they are expected to provide, customers will be satisfied. Every Ford engineer, businessman, and employee also looks for opportunities to go further than what they are asked to do in their role--it's the second mile principle we're familiar with from Matthew 5. Being Christ-like at the workplace embodies many different qualities, but this year God has been teaching me how to be a servant to my co-workers by goin

I never thought this day would come, but.. I think I love my LIFEgroup. Yes. I struggled to love my LIFEgroup allllllll the way until.. a month ago. Mostly due to my pride that refused to submit & insecurities that kept me from loving without bounds. But here we are, six months later, and God has changed my heart. It's. A. Miracle. Last week everyone wrote down a testimony of why we're thankful for our LIFEgroup community. Here are a couple that were especially encouraging to me: "LIFEgroup is a crazy thing that God has used to teach me lessons. Quite honestly, I didn't like any part of this LIFEgroup at first. I prayed and prayed that God would help me to love--love my members, LCGs, and leaders. It took roughly.. SIX MONTHS but God was so faithful. Because even in the dry and hard-to-love times, He was working in ways that I couldn't see and had no way of seeing until now. He very powerfully, yet subtly used a weekend we had together in a random town

An all-girls LIFEgroup devouring an entire cake in 2 minutes (timed); at a reunion that took 77 emails to implement :P Even though I've always been an advocate of spring/summer LIFEgroups, something about my single-gender LIFEgroup last summer was notably different. Remarkably honest and raw from the very beginning, setting the bar for the rest of the summer we had together. Which got me thinking--what made this LIFEgroup so powerful? I've never trembled signing a LIFEgroup covenant as much as I have with Get Low. We came up with an extensive list of things we wanted to see happen in our LIFEgroup, and then committed to it together. There was no undershooting or "toning it down" to make it more realistic or achievable. We agreed on things that we hoped for, then revisited it every time we struggled to live by it. We committed in faith, with confidence and hope that it would happen. Really makes me think about the importance of making covenants in faith

One of the best things I've heard all year, from one of the people I feared most "Jesus has never been so real to me" Moments like this put me in awe. Must. Be. God.

Hearing life stories this semester in LIFEgroup has been amazing. We're all hot messes and I love that we don't have to hide it. This is what it means to live life together--being a part of a community that is centered around a God who loves us in spite of our flaws and failures. Community that is composed of real people who learn to love, forgive, serve, and honor one another. This is what we were designed for. Sharing my life story for the first time four years ago was an immensely freeing experience for me. So powerful that I've implemented it in every single LIFEgroup I've been a part of since. You'd think that it might get old year-to-year, but it's quite the contrary. I love that every time I reflect on my life story, God reveals more that I hadn't thought about before. What I left out of my life story is my tendency to try to be God instead of be like Him. Ever since I started working 2.5 years ago, I've tried to make sense of why I e

Here's my heart Lord Here's my heart Lord Here's my heart Lord Speak what is true I am found, I am Yours I am loved, I'm made pure I have life, I can breathe I am healed, I am free You are strong, You are sure You are life, You endure You are good, always true You are light breaking through You are more than enough You are here, You are love You are hope, You are grace You're all I have, You're everything What else can I say or do?

It's Spring Break here at UM, which means all the students are out-of-town. It was a little strange at first to have all my evenings free, but I'm really thankful for this time that I've been able to use to reconnect with friends--catching up with Pubs co-servants on Monday, Jeanie Beanie on Tuesday, and JKwon today. This break will be filled with rekindling relationships that had to be pushed aside in the midst of competing priorities--love it! I think part of the strangeness had to do with the fact that this year's spring break is relatively mellow compared to year's past. A year ago I was in Indonesia getting exposed through a medical missions trip, and the year before I was in Miami taking a short hiatus from my first run at working adult life. In previous years I've always seized opportunities to get out of Michigan, but this year I'm just glad to be here. Spring Break 2012 in Jogjakarta, Indonesia Time is such a gift from God, but I don'

Don't you just hate it when you leave a meeting feeling unsettled or conflicted? It's not like there was a blatant question that was intentionally not discussed, but lack of clarity or next steps is one of the most frustrating feelings to live with. You spewed out everything on your mind, but are not sure what to make of it all. It's scary when you're entrusted with the power to make decisions. One thing I've been experiencing first-hand this month is that God is a God of peace. There were a handful of decisions that I had to make regarding the summer, my future, and relationships but I had to fight the temptation to just "do what I want". The ball was in my court, but I wanted to deflect the responsibility. I couldn't bear the unresolved feeling of being torn and conflicted, so I finally started asking. Jeremiah 29:13 says that if we seek God with all our hearts, we will find him. I told myself I wouldn't settle, wouldn't stop until

Last week I stumbled across my college résumé and discovered a foolish typo, repeated twice in the document. I was absolutely dumbfounded when I came across this error because I had spent HOURS revising this document in college --the fact that I missed this error not just once but twice made me wonder.. Why the heck did it take me three years to realize this? Truth is, I never asked for a second eye to proofread or provide feedback, because I felt like I knew what I was doing. I had spent hours reading guides and gone through rounds of revisions that I felt extremely confident, maybe even invincible. When I discovered my error however, I deeply regretted not asking for feedback earlier--and felt foolish for having such (faulty) confidence prior. My pride often hinders me from asking for input and hearing the truth. After a handful of experiences like this where my thinking or knowledge was proven to be faulty however, I am learning to embrace feedback. “Leaders who refus

What are some of your favorite websites? Do you ever find yourself spending more time on a website than you originally intended? I often catch myself spending more time on Wikipedia than I planned. I go there to read about one topic and end up reading about a handful more. A prime example: Alcoholics Anonymous  >> Addiction recovery groups >> Codependents Anonymous. This was a powerful part of how God revealed his personal love for me, at last year's !gnite conference . You can have a cloud full of high-quality web pages, but it doesn't mean much without the connection. Seems like the one thing people want as a website visitor, information seeker, and/or human being = connection I love this #FALLINGPLATES campaign because of the way it is able to relate the mystery of the gospel with everyday objects--this is marketing.

I was in a crowded school gymnasium when there were two older men coming after me. I didn't know what they wanted, but ran away into the sea of people to try to hide. In the gym, I saw a lot of familiar faces but didn't feel like I could share with any of them about how I was feeling. I felt so trapped unable to voice my fears and feelings, until I saw in the middle of the crowd a group of girls from my LIFEgroup. One, dressed in a blazer and skinny jeans, stood out to me and embraced me as I cried into her shoulder. Even in a room full of acquaintances and brothers & sisters in Christ, I only felt comfortable revealing my true self to one. I am insecure and filled with fear, but people don't think I am. Or at least I think that's what people think. Somewhere along the line I started building self-imposed expectations. I felt like I needed to live up to a certain standard just because of the college major I pursued, the company I work for, or my commitment

I like Joseph. In the midst of suffering, he didn't play the victim, and he didn't blame his brothers. He trusted that God would make him fruitful even in the land of his suffering, and offered up his gifts regardless of his circumstances. Who woulda thunk that an ordinary boy would be sold into slavery by his own family, discovered for his gifts while imprisoned, and elevated to manage a nation in the midst of a famine? I feel like Joseph sometimes. Source: The Brick Testament I was a punk who thought I was awesome. I used my gifts and strengths for self-promotion. I've talked/whispered in my sleep that I will take over the world (yes, it really happened). And yet in the midst of my inflated pride and self-centeredness, God gripped my heart to let go of my reign and put someone else at the center. I don't get it sometimes. I didn't seek God nor ask for God , but I guess that's the amazing thing. I didn't choose God, He found me and revealed Him

No one seems to like the s word, but sacrificing is an inescapable fact to life. Just like basic economics principles say, everything in life is a trade-off. You cannot gain something without losing another--there is an opportunity cost to everything, especially the causes, ideas, and relationships that are worthwhile. And Jesus' words aren't much different: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?" (Matthew 16:24-26) One lesson I learned from college ( insert grad night testimony here ) is how every momentary sacrifice I made was in fact no sacrifice at all. Momentary sacrifice seems so real, but when we set our eyes on what is unseen/eternal, we are able to move forward believing that the net gain will be positive. Truth is, a lif

When I first made the decision to stay here after I graduated, I thought I was doing something noble. Even though it wasn't an easy decision, I thought I was doing God some favor. It wasn't until 2012 when I went to Indonesia for a week-long medical missions trip that I realized: I'm actually not that great . I felt so insecure coming back to the US to say that it took $2400 of financial support, 36 hours of travel time, and a trip to the other side of the world JUST for me to realize that; but it was SO needed for me to finally bend my knee in utter brokenness. Coming back, I received this new perspective that the REAL reason why I had been asked to stay was more similar to the concept of remedial education. I was too stubborn, closed-off, and resistant to Jesus during my four years in undergrad, so I had to be held back. I'm so thankful I didn't just "do what I want" and leave, because I would have missed out on SO MANY lessons on integrity, rela

One thing that has been really special about my LIFEgroup this year is the critical mass of core members (yes pun intended) who not only show up to participate in things, but are superbly talented with different gifts. But truth is, natural ability will only take us so far. I learn best through failure, and that's what I welcomed for others--not with any evil intention, but because I've learned so much when exposed through failure. I spent much of this week in frustration but realize now that these are the very opportunities I asked for. Thankful that God and His people provide an abundance of second chances, no matter how much we mess up.

 "When I was a child I often had toothache, and I knew that if I went to my mother she would give me something which would deaden the pain for that night and let me get to sleep. But I did not go to my mother--at least not till the pain became very bad. I did not doubt she would give me the immediate relief I needed, but I did not go to my mother immediately because I knew she would also do something else--take me to the dentist. I could not get what I wanted out of her without getting something more, which I did not want. I wanted immediate relief from pain, but I could not get it without having my teeth set permanently right. Dozens of people go to our Lord Jesus to be cured of some particular sin which they are ashamed of... or which is obviously spoiling daily life. Well, He will cure it alright: but He will not stop there. That may be all you ask; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment. That is why He warned people to 'count the cost' befor

I had a friend my freshman year who often carried a cup of coffee with her almost everywhere. When I asked why she was had coffee even in the wee hours of the night, she told me that she only bought the drink to keep her hands warm. I laughed, but it's kinda smart, no? "True self-esteem means recognizing, despite everything that your upbringing has trained you to believe about yourself, that the grades you get—and the awards, and the test scores, and the trophies, and the acceptance letters—are not what defines who you are.   True innovation means using your imagination, exercising the capacity to envision new possibilities. It means not just “getting into” whatever school or program comes next. It means figuring out what you want for yourself, not what your parents want, or your peers want, or your school wants, or your society wants. When you walk into college, you are offered a choice among law and medicine and investment banking and consulting and a few other things, b

Sometimes I wonder why I do what I do. Why I spend my evenings and weekends with college students, why I live so far away from where I work, why I give much of what I get. The times that I close my eyes in my parking lot just shy of 2AM, the times when it takes me more than an hour to get to work, the times when I add up my deductibles for tax season. Sometimes, I can't help but think,  what a waste . In Matthew 25, Jesus shares:  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.  Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you something to drink?  I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me. They said "Why this waste?" to the woman with the alabaster jar, and I've heard it

I haven't felt my heart beat like this in a long time. I said I'm willing to let go, but the thought of having to enter these conversations frighten me. The thought of taking a step without knowing if the bridge will remain standing. My feelings are similar to what I felt in 2009 --less denial, but I'm still afraid. Praying for peace, trust, and wisdom (!) in the weeks and months to come. One of the best decisions I've made in my life, in 2009:

I don't usually enjoy being wrong, but today I'm so glad that I was. Despite my frustration and impatience, things were happening beyond my knowledge. Stories were striking a chord, songs were invoking a response, the practice of communion was even starting to make sense. Somehow God even intervened within a dream to stir up more thought. I was blown away hearing all this, which was SO NOT what I thought coming back. I could not have been any more wrong. I've never wanted healing, restoration, and hope for someone as much as I have for you. At the same time I'm so scared that I'll take control and push you away. Jesus won't you take the lead--I'm stepping back.

I had particularly high expectations for one sister that God brought into my life last year. After some persistent asking, she signed up for the retreat last minute which gave me hope. And yet as we returned back to campus yesterday, I couldn't help but get frustrated and impatient as nothing seemed to have changed. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't rescue and heal her NOW, but then came across this parable in Matthew 20 : When evening came,  the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’   The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius.   So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius.   When they received it, they began to grumble  against the landowner.   ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to

If my house caught fire, saving this box would definitely be one of my key priorities. Crazy throwback looking through this box today. Thankful!

Growing up with a dad in the tech industry, I've always had a keen interest in gadgets and technologies that enhance our lives. I remember how deeply a digital camera affected my approach to photography, and how empowered I felt with my first smartphone in-hand. Even though it's hard to feel connected when physically apart, one thing that really helped bridge the gaps in my family was Kakaotalk. We use the group chat daily to share photos, insights, updates--and from time-to-time my mom forwards me a video that she received from another one of her Kakao contacts. Here is the video that I woke up to yesterday: Even though my mom and dad have yet to surrender their lives to Christ, I'm so thankful for the ways God has used technology to share the gospel with my parents. Videos like this, shared through apps like Kakaotalk, have really augmented the personal conversations I've had with my parents and illustrated principles and concepts that I could not explain in wor

While reflecting on where I feel like God wants to take me in 2013, the word that came to mind  was-- o v e r c o m e. Overcoming feelings of failure, overcoming insecurities, overcoming limitations or disabilities that I feel like hold me back from living to the full extent that God has called me to. A couple verses that came to mind were John 16:33 and Isaiah 43:1-2 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.  But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." As I was coming to a peaceful resolve around this theme, we "coincidentally&quo

How would my life look if I never encountered Jesus? One of the biggest inward changes I experienced through Christ was freedom. Freedom from the guilt and shame of my sin, things I had done in secret and vowed to never reveal to another human being. Growing up, my public and private life were consistently inconsistent, and something inside me knew that wasn't "right". As I began my relationship with Christ, I'm so glad that He challenged me to no longer hide and deny the thorns in my flesh, but to confess them in confidence that He would be glorified through my weaknesses. Source: ibetyouhavent.com Several years before I even knew Christ personally, I read about a vivid dream that another Christ-follower (Joshua Harris) had once and published in his book " I kissed dating goodbye".  It was a powerful illustration of how Jesus relates with our areas of guilt and shame. Here is the  excerpt : ---------- The Room  by Joshua Harris In