Of the many insecurities in my life, relationships are one of the top things on my list. Ever since I was young, I never felt like I “succeeded” socially. I wasn’t ostracized or outcasted in school, but I was also never THE person that everyone wanted to be friends with. The fact that I was never someone’s best friend or girlfriend made me believe that I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough to be one. SO when I came to college knowing just one person, I took the chance to reinvent myself—I forced myself to be more outgoing and fun-to-be-around, thinking my new personality could win over more friends. The truth is, it worked. But deep inside I knew it was all a façade—when I accepted Christ at the end of my freshman year and realized God loved me just the way I am, I dropped the front and became the mellow, less rambunctious, and (let’s be honest) the more boring Nayoung that I am today.
Since then, I’ve gotten much better at being who I really am, without feeling the pressure to be someone I’m not. I thank God for the biblical community that fostered this environment of being open and REAL, but because of my innate sinfulness I still messed up, BIG TIME. I lived a double life all throughout college, engaging in behaviors in private that I knew were not honoring to God or to people around me. I define integrity as who I am when no one is watching—with that said, it was clear that even as a serious Christ follower and leader in our church, I was NOT living a life of integrity. I was living in darkness and hiding. The gospel didn’t penetrate into all areas of my life, especially when it came to relationships.
Because of all my failures in friendships in the past (before I became a Christian AND after), I’ve been very cautious and unwilling to try again (unfortunate that fear of failure drives so many parts of my life). Right now as I enter my sixth year in Michigan, I am reevaluating the value of friendships in my life, particularly those with my peers. Just because two people met at church doesn’t make their relationship Christ-centered, and that’s what bothers me. There are a handful of relationships in my life that I truly treasure and value because they are founded upon our mutual need for Jesus and desire to worship Him through our conversations, activities, and the like. Those relationships came to be because from the beginning we DTR (defined the relationship) as one we wanted to exalt Christ through—many of them began through LCG pairings or LIFE group, an atmosphere where everyone is on the same page about why we exist. Even though I want these kind of deep, invested relationships with my peers (outside of LG or LCG), I’ve been too afraid of how people will respond (insecurities), fearing I am the only one that feels this discontentment with the shallow level of relationships—Satan sure loves to fool me into thinking I am alone eh.
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