Transitioning into 2017 was an unusually uncertain and anxiety-inducing time for me. Near the end of 2016, my close colleagues and I began discussing the idea of taking an overseas trip together in Summer 2017. As excited as I was about the idea, I was frightened as I looked ahead to where I might be in Summer 2017 - would I A) be on my way out of Singapore at the 2 year mark, or B) have recommitted to another year? I had absolutely NO IDEA and felt like it could really go either way. I was filled with anxiety thinking about the uncertainty, and have spent the past few months trying to pray through how God might be leading me.
Everything in me wanted the answer to be A, to leave. Life in Singapore for me has been lonely, exposing, and painful. It has been difficult to embrace my singlehood when everyone around me is married and/or popping our babies. Difficult to embrace the intimate church community when I just want to be anonymous. Difficult to have hope when many around me are struggling in faith. All of these difficulties wanted me to run away, and mask how I felt inside with the excitement of a new city or transition.
How have my "sleeping muscles" been awakened?
Acknowledging my real feelings and emotions is something I'm not used to doing, a muscle that I have rarely used before. In January, I reluctantly hired a personal trainer after noticing significant weight gain despite living an active lifestyle. From Day 1, my trainer has focused on "waking my sleeping muscles" - identifying and intentionally focusing on muscle groups I never even knew I should be working out (or some that I never even knew existed). I learned that I've been doing some basic things very wrongly - for example, standing improperly my entire life (wtheck?), by not engaging my glutes, upper back, or core. My "mind to muscle" connection was so weak that I could be asked to move a specific muscle group and have no idea how to even go about it.
This is how I also felt about some elements about my spiritual life - that there were some elements I was familiar with, but others that were completely untouched, like having an emotionally healthy spirituality. Going through this book with church leadership team has been very relevant and challenging for me, where I learned to journey through the "walls" that I face in my relationship with God. A few snippets from the book that really resonated with me:
- "Some of us hide behind our faith to flee the pain of our lives rather than trust God to transform us through it. We utter platitudes like "God uses all things for good". We don't curse or get bitter towards God. We keep it together to demonstrate to the weaker members of the body and the watching world that our faith is solid and strong." (EHS, Page 122) >> How I was living
- "How do we know we are in the dark night? Our good feelings of God's presence evaporate. We feel the door of heaven has been shut as we pray. Darkness, helplessness, weariness, a sense of failure or defeat, barrenness, emptiness, dryness descend upon us. The Christian disciplines that have served us up to this time no longer work. We can't see what God is doing and we see little visible fruit in our lives." (EHS, Page 122) >>The state that I've been stuck in for the past 6-12 months
- "God powerfully invades us when we persevere patiently through this suffering. Our great temptation is to quit or go backwards, but if we remain still, listening for his voice, God will insert something of himself into our character that will mark the rest of our journey with him." (EHS, Page 124) >> How I felt challenged to respond
- "The central message of Christ is that suffering and death bring resurrection and transformation." (EHS, Page 152) >> What gave me hope to persevere
It's certainly been a journey, but I think I am finally beginning to journey THROUGH the wall instead of being scared by it and running away.
Have I questioned my decision to leave Michigan?
As difficult as the past few years have been, I was reminded of what I prayed leaving Michigan nearly 3 years ago. Deciding to leave MI for grad school was a very difficult decision for me, and one that I've continually questioned, especially because life seemed to only get more difficult and ugly since leaving. As torn as I was deciding to leave in 2014, I remember making the decision to step out in faith because I wanted to be challenged and tested in my faith, outside of the comforts of a familiar environment. I began to see how strangely faithful God has been over this painful season.
Which leads me back to the question of my calling, and how much longer I feel called to be in Singapore.
How much longer will I be in Singapore?
Everything in me wants to quit and run away from the walls that I am facing, but I feel called to persevere and continue in this journey. I have personally committed to be in Singapore until 2018, and hope to devote the coming year to:
1. Embracing my period of singleness and maximizing it to love God and people
2. Waking up my sleeping muscles and becoming more emotionally healthy spiritually
3. Journeying through my walls and learning to hope even in hopeless circumstances
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