If you're my friend, teammate, lifegroup member (or you have any context with me at all), I've probably hurt you. I've probably hurt you in the way I approached you, made you into an agenda, or seemed disinterested in our friendship at times when we weren't being "purposeful". I probably gave you the idea that I didn't value our time together unless we were doing something "productive"--and in all honesty, you were right--you read right through me, and knew exactly what I was thinking.
Ever since experiencing God (personally) for the first time three weeks ago, I've seen how my skewed relationship with God has affected so many other parts of my life. Before, I saw having a relationship with God as a list of tasks--in my warped point of view and biases of being an already-too-task-minded person, if I wanted to know God, I needed to read the Bible, persevere in prayer, get involved in biblical community, and serve the church. If I did all these things, then I would know God. I did this (faithfully) for three years and never experienced nor knew God personally. I never simply enjoyed spending time with Him and only found ways to be pleased with Him when there were good results to show for it. Similarly, I never found any humanly relationship to be satisfying unless there was some "good" that came from it.
Through this journey of following Christ, I began developing this distorted view of the gospel, where everything became about works. A few months ago, someone asked me "How have you experienced God's grace personally?" and all I could muster up was "Um, Jesus? I mean, God saved me by grace, right?" The truth was: I had never experienced grace beyond my salvation. I had never experienced the freedom, inexpressible joy, and satisfaction of knowing Christ. I saw following Christ as a burden, and found no joy as I "died to myself" by willpower. As much as I claimed to love Jesus with my involvement in the church, I never really loved Jesus for more than His mere death on the cross.
I thought once I was saved, that was it.
"Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."
I never worked out my salvation with fear and trembling. Once I had my salvation, I sat with it on the couch--reading the Bible, trying to pray, or seeking biblical accountability. In doing all these Christianity things, I did everything BUT seek CHRIST Himself, unwilling to admit that I never experienced grace, freedom, even love. I tried to hide my honest burdensome outlook of being a Christian by masking it with outwardly "holy" things, when in reality I never understood why anyone would choose this way of life. But the moment I fessed up to it & admitted it before God, He overwhelmed me with something I had never experienced, never even HEARD of before.
Be honest. Be honest with yourself, be honest with God.
Ever since experiencing God (personally) for the first time three weeks ago, I've seen how my skewed relationship with God has affected so many other parts of my life. Before, I saw having a relationship with God as a list of tasks--in my warped point of view and biases of being an already-too-task-minded person, if I wanted to know God, I needed to read the Bible, persevere in prayer, get involved in biblical community, and serve the church. If I did all these things, then I would know God. I did this (faithfully) for three years and never experienced nor knew God personally. I never simply enjoyed spending time with Him and only found ways to be pleased with Him when there were good results to show for it. Similarly, I never found any humanly relationship to be satisfying unless there was some "good" that came from it.
Through this journey of following Christ, I began developing this distorted view of the gospel, where everything became about works. A few months ago, someone asked me "How have you experienced God's grace personally?" and all I could muster up was "Um, Jesus? I mean, God saved me by grace, right?" The truth was: I had never experienced grace beyond my salvation. I had never experienced the freedom, inexpressible joy, and satisfaction of knowing Christ. I saw following Christ as a burden, and found no joy as I "died to myself" by willpower. As much as I claimed to love Jesus with my involvement in the church, I never really loved Jesus for more than His mere death on the cross.
I thought once I was saved, that was it.
"Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."
I never worked out my salvation with fear and trembling. Once I had my salvation, I sat with it on the couch--reading the Bible, trying to pray, or seeking biblical accountability. In doing all these Christianity things, I did everything BUT seek CHRIST Himself, unwilling to admit that I never experienced grace, freedom, even love. I tried to hide my honest burdensome outlook of being a Christian by masking it with outwardly "holy" things, when in reality I never understood why anyone would choose this way of life. But the moment I fessed up to it & admitted it before God, He overwhelmed me with something I had never experienced, never even HEARD of before.
Be honest. Be honest with yourself, be honest with God.
Comments
The question I always ask is "Is it worth it?" Though I know the answer in my head, if I find that I can't answer that question confidently and definitively, and especially experientially with my day-to-day relationship with God, then there is something very wrong with how I've been 'doing' this Christianity.
Afterall, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Mt 11:28-30), right?