Live Out Loud

What it means to fear God

2011-11-17T12:55:00.001-05:00

WOW. As I was reading Romans 10-11 (the special Missions Week Bible reading plan) today, I was STUNNED by how much of what Paul talks about in those two chapters relates with my last post about lessons from running the Big House Big Heart 10K.

Romans 11 verses 5-6 and 17-24 were especially relevant.

⁵ It is the same today, for a few of the people of Israel^[c] have remained faithful because of God’s grace—his undeserved kindness in choosing them. ⁶ And since it is through God’s kindness, then it is not by their good works. For in that case, God’s grace would not be what it really is—free and undeserved.
¹⁷ But some of these branches from Abraham’s tree—some of the people of Israel—have been broken off. And you Gentiles, who were branches from a wild olive tree, have been grafted in. So now you also receive the blessing God has promised Abraham and his children, sharing in the rich nourishment from the root of God’s special olive tree. ¹⁸ But you must not brag about being grafted in to replace the branches that were broken off. You are just a branch, not the root.

¹⁹ “Well,” you may say, “those branches were broken off to make room for me.” ²⁰ Yes, but remember—those branches were broken off because they didn’t believe in Christ, and you are there because you do believe. So don’t think highly of yourself, but fear what could happen. ²¹ For if God did not spare the original branches, he won’t^[f] spare you either.

²² Notice how God is both kind and severe. He is severe toward those who disobeyed, but kind to you if you continue to trust in his kindness. But if you stop trusting, you also will be cut off. ²³ And if the people of Israel turn from their unbelief, they will be grafted in again, for God has the power to graft them back into the tree. ²⁴ You, by nature, were a branch cut from a wild olive tree. So if God was willing to do something contrary to nature by grafting you into his cultivated tree, he will be far more eager to graft the original branches back into the tree where they belong.

DANG talk about fearing God. #pwned

Who am I

2011-10-27T23:19:00.003-04:00

"But who am I, and who are my people, that we could give anything to you?" (1 Chronicles 29:14)

"But Lord... how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family." (Judges 6:15-16)

SERIOUSLY GOD. WHO AM I, that the LORD of ALL THE EARTH would care to know my name, yet alone save me from the guilt and shame of my sin. Even when I'm giving my 100%, A-GAME to please You, I SOMEHOW end up screwing it all up (and even bringing others down with me). SURELY all my righteous acts are like filthy rags before You.

Why does God love me?
Not because of who I am
But because of who You are
God doesn't just love, God IS love.

Just believe it NY--stop feeling insecure, just live your life CONVINCED that God's love for you is real.

Lessons from the Big House Big Heart 10K

2011-10-10T09:49:00.001-04:00

I ran a 10K yesterday at the Big House, right before HMCC's 15th year celebration--it was an INCREDIBLE run because I feel like God was speaking to me about my life as I was running.

Here's what I mean:

I was in awe and shock when I finished my 6.2 miles, because I have been extremely unfaithful with training leading up to the race. Despite my failure to be disciplined on a daily basis, I felt like I was given this supernatural strength to run til the finish and not give up. Because of that, I ran hard and ended up cutting about 20 minutes off of my time from June (crazy, I know).

I think the 10 kilometers I ran yesterday greatly resembles my journey of following after Jesus.

If you ask me about what has helped me to grow in my faith, I can give you a handful of HUGE commitments I've made in the past couple years--like participating in a summer missions project, serving in LIFEgroup ministry, or staying in Michigan post-graduation. But despite these sizeable decisions I make once or twice a year, I have been extremely unfaithful on a day-to-day basis. When I think about all the ways I have failed to exercise FAITH in my life CONSISTENTLY day after day, I wonder how the heck I haven't fallen away or stopped being a Christian and following Christ. Falling away is a constant concern and huge fear in my life, but whenever I think about it, I am amazed by GOD'S GRACE that never lets me go, no matter how emotional, unstable, or fickle IIIIIIIIII can get about living my life for Christ.

If Christianity was all about what I do (a works-based religion), I would have quit many years ago. I'm so thankful for how God used the 10K to remind me that his GRACE is SUFFICIENT for me, and that it is ONLY BY HIS GRACE that I am still running this race and keeping the faith (2 Timothy 4:7). NOT because of how faithful I have been in my daily disciplines, or sizeable commitments I've made to follow Jesus. Lord THANK YOU for never letting me go, and giving me the grace to persevere and never give up.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:1-2

My great cloud of witnesses

The "holy shizz this was completely a God-thing" pose upon finish :)

How was summer 2011?

2011-08-11T12:32:00.004-04:00

I don't like saying things I don't mean, especially the term BLESSED, which is used very often in the church. I mentioned how cautious I am to use the word BLESSED in an entry back in April, and today I want to testify to how another promise has been fulfilled in my life.

So.. what is a promise I banked on?

[From a recent Creative Development exercise we did in Pubs]

How was this promise fulfilled?

Confession: I've heard this verse many times before and even memorized it--but despite knowing it in my head, I really doubted it in my heart. I knew Jesus said things like "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God" (Luke 9:62) but I OFTEN looked back (and side to side) wondering if the way of following Christ was really the BEST LIFE I COULD LIVE.

If I had to describe this summer in one word, it would be affirming. I've been affirmed in my job, my ministry, my relationships and I truly FEEL that there is just NO other way I'd rather live my life. I'm so confident that God's calling for my life is the FULLEST life I could be living, and I praise God for changing my heart of stone hehehe. GISG!

My favorite meetings

2011-06-27T10:42:00.012-04:00

Of all the things in a typical week, my favorite meetings are hands down the times I have with my co-leaders. They are typically referred to as planning meetings in our church, but I'd rather avoid that term because that phrase is sometimes associated with :( emoticons or dreadful looks. After all, every lifegroup and leadership team (LT) handles planning meetings differently :P

My first LT experience was with Eric and KT during Walk It Out--I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty upset when I found out they were the two I was stuck with for the entire year. I had contexts with both of them before I started serving with them and thought I knew them pretty well. Eric was the guy in my class who endlessly shared for 30 minutes whenever I asked a simple "How are you?", and KT was the ministry team leader that I had a distant relationship with, despite the fact that I had been a part of her team for 2+ years. I didn't see much hope for the future of our relationship, but God definitely blew me out of the waters by blessing me with this friendship and partnership within our leadership team.

Our LT was infamous for having 4 hour "planning meetings", which really ended up being 3 hours of getting to know each other, and less than an hour of actually planning. Our times together were honest and real, and always left me refreshed to serve God and love Him with all my heart, mind, and soul (at least for the upcoming week). Those meetings benefited us as the leaders more than the members, and I really treasured them. Of course that meant much of the "logistics" of leading a LG had to be communicated via email, but for three folks who were very responsive to their inboxes throughout the day, it wasn't so bad :P

Last year's LT was a little different since I barely knew my co-leader prior to serving together, but this summer's LT mimics my first experience in many ways. All three of my co-leaders had graciously invited me into their lives before, and they knew me and my weaknesses more intimately than many of my own roommates and peers. I'm so thankful for God's TRULY sovereign arrangement of our leadership team this summer because more than the friendships, I am learning so much about God through them--what it means to live with JOY, know that God loves ME, show COMPASSION, discern the SPIRIT, serve HUMBLY, have a heart for the NATIONS, and so much more.

God has been too good to us, and I am treasuring every moment we have together. My hope is that God would use every hour we have this summer as a LT to grow us and prepare us for what's to come in the school year--for us to become more passionate disciples of Christ and more effective disciple-makers. May we never stop spurring one another to love and good deeds, and encouraging one another to serve our great God (Hebrews 10:24)!

How our relationships began..

LCGs during JY's freshman year

& my first LCG relationship where I wasn't the baby :P

Sharing life stories during CSMP 09

Prayer partners during CSMP '10 (random, I know)

Xiaolongbao forever! God, continue to fill us so we can gush out with love for our members.. #namesmeansomuch

I will live to carry your compassion

2011-06-13T00:36:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago I mentioned how God has been answering my prayers for greater discernment in my life. Another one of those long-term prayer requests in my life has been to grow in compassion. And MAN I can't believe God has been answering!

I mean, I must be really faithless to have doubted--after all, one of my fav verses right now is 1 John 5:14 which says "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." Jesus was full of compassion, so why wouldn't God want to grant me compassion if I asked for it, right?

I noticed how much I lacked in compassion when I was with two particular people groups--children, and the poor. But over the past year and a half (since I started praying in November of 2009), God has thrown multiple opportunities to grow in an area of weakness. The first was in partaking in the social just!ce movement at our church last year where we brainstormed ways to raise awareness of social issues within our church (we ended up producing a CD to get the word out).

This past year I had the awesome unexpected opportunity to volunteer with Junior Achievement, rubbing shoulders with youth in the city of Detroit. This past Friday I spent the whole day with a class of 1st graders in Detroit--after the first hour, the students were fighting for my attention, affection, and recognition, a complete stranger who frankly is not very gifted with children. I got to spend alot of time with them throughout the day, and what broke my heart was how expected it was for them to lose one of their family members to homicide. Throughout the day, students would simply come up to me and say things like..

"Miss Jamie, she (pointing to a classmate) is making me fun of me because my dad is dead."
"Hey Miss Jamie, do you know how my cousin died? ..He was in his house and then someone set his house on fire."

This was just a way of life, a given growing up in Detroit. My heart began melting for these kids. Through the day, my only desire was to pour out all the love I had and to show them that they are beloved, worthy creations. TYL for giving me so many chances this week to grow in my compassion. The ways that You, Jesus, loved children and the poor, are the same ways I want to love people.

Never have I ever

2011-06-08T12:50:00.006-04:00

On Sunday morning, I did something I thought I'd NEVER do. I completed a 10K at the 2011 Dexter-Ann Arbor Run.

A lot of people assume I enjoy running because I love playing sports--but believe me on this, I never understood how anyone could run for fun. About a month ago when the "new year" began, I set a new personal goal to invest in my physical health just like I care for my spiritual, mental, or emotional health. When Julia told me about DXA2 at a Pubs meeting two weeks ago, I was intrigued. Running 6.2 miles seemed like just the right distance for me to be challenged without having months to train beforehand. Despite my interest, I didn't want to sign-up without having at least one buddy to run with me side-by-side and help me stick to the goal I had set. Without the A word (accountability), I knew how easy it would be for me to start walking halfway and not fulfill the commitment I had made.

It brings me great excitement to share that I (along with two very supportive, encouraging, and like-minded friends) successfully finished the 10K! Our goal was simply to finish the entire 10 kilometers without walking, even if it meant jogging at a much slower pace.

A couple of things I learned through this experience:

Value of training and developing disciplines

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. -Heb 12:11

Value of believing in your heart that you can do it

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. -Mk 11:22-24

Value of doing things together, not individually

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. -Ecc 4:12

After I finished the 10K, I was somewhat in disbelief. I felt like I could do anything if I had discipline, faith, and accountability. Of course the danger to this is that I take this to the extreme and think I can get everything my way as long as I put my mind to it--always a continual struggle to let Jesus reign as the Lord over my life :P

The secret to a full life

2011-06-03T14:29:00.011-04:00

I used to think that doing God's will, or doing the "right thing", always involved making sacrifices, dying to myself, and ultimately--having no fun.

For the first three years after accepting Christ, I felt restrained and limited in what I could/could not do and found little joy and freedom in following Christ. A lot of these misconceptions I had were results of me living in darkness and being dishonest/fake/a complete fluke with God. But slowly as I came into the light and admitted to how I genuinely felt, the transformation and renewing of my mind began.

In the Bible, Jesus says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). AKA Jesus came so that I may experience life to the full. The best life I could ever imagine. The life I've always wanted.

I always knew this truth in my head but couldn't confidently testify to it personally until very recently. Often times when I thought about what I am pouring out my energy and time into right now as a college graduate, I could not help but wonder if this was really the best life I could be living. Working in Detroit? Living in Ann Arbor? Having a lifegroup co-leader as the most frequently contacted/involved guy in my life? CMON LET'S BE REAL. Still, by head knowledge I believed that doing God's will right now was the best life I could be living.

When it came to this past Memorial Day weekend, part of me wondered again if spending the extended weekend with a group of undergrads would really be better than venturing off to a thriving city or just kicking back with my peers. But God assured me of the promise that doing His will was really the BEST life I could be living. This weekend I had a mindblowingly AWESOME time with the girls God has been miraculously(!) growing my heart towards.

I don't normally post photos like this in my blog (and this is where I humbly admit having a tumblr or posterous would be much more appropriate).. But these photos remind me of God's promise that a life pursuing after Christ is THE secret to a happy and full life.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:11-13

Roaming around a furniture store = definitely something you can only do during all-girls lifegroups

"OMG this is the best... food.. I've ever tasted in my LIFE!" hahah tania, my new lcg, being a cutie as usual. i am learning from her on how to be cute. haha

Absolutely gorgeous day at the dunes!

Pastor Jean puhahahahaha

My silly co's spelling out GPS in the shadows.. puhahahah

God THANK YOU for using this weekend to remind me that your intention is not to harm me, but to have me prosper and thrive in this life, fully enjoying every day you've given me, and being thankful always. YOU ARE SO GOOD!

What? God loves me?

2011-05-23T16:40:00.001-04:00

Even though I've been a Christian for four years now (!), there are still a handful of things I know theoretically but have yet to experience personally. One of those that bothered me for a good three years was the idea of what it means to be FREE IN CHRIST, which God let me experience through a serious of reoccuring dreams lol (just ask me about it in-person if I haven't told you). I know God loves me because He sent His one and only Son to die for me, but I don't know if I've ever experienced God's love in a personal way. Or perhaps I have, but I just haven't recognized it..

Two weeks ago, new LIFE groups began which meant I was given a fresh roster of fifteen girls to shepherd for the rest of the summer. My new LG is a merge of Global Access & Jwitter, with a few additional international students. Perhaps it's because I've had context with the GA community in years past and knew my Jwitter girls coming in, but something about my love for this LG has been different. Since the first LIFE group I was called to shepherd (Organic) to the latest one ending a month ago (Jwitter) and everything in between (WIO & SIC), it's been a constant struggle for me to love, serve, and invest in my members willingly. I knew I was CALLED to shepherd and guide my members, but trying to convince my heart was a whole 'notha story from knowing it in my head. Because of this disconnect, I ended up doing the bare minimum in my role as a shepherd, and am sure I missed out on many blessings.

Coming into this summer, I prayed that God would give me (1) a genuine love for my members, and (2) a willing heart to serve them sacrificially. Praise God because I truly feel like He has answered both of these to the tee. Whenever I look at my LG roster, I smile in excitement and anticipation thinking about how God wants to work in their lives, and actually WANT to be personally invested to help them reach their potential. 'DUH Nayoung--weren't you supposed to be doing that all along?' YUP but I definitely got consumed in taking care of the logistics in my first two years and am just gaining a heart for my members now.. :P

GOD has granted me the love for my LG girls, and if God gave me this love for others, it only goes to show how all-the-more God loves ME! I'm reminded of the passage from 1 John 4--specifically verses 7,8,and 19 stand out to me. WE LOVE BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US! There is no way I could be loving these girls in our LG if it wasn't for the fact that God loved me first.

That may sound slightly circuitous and indirect but I'm also reminded about the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19--here is Elijah, waiting for God to show His power through this HUGE BAM IN THE FACE experience with the wind, the earthquake, or the fire--but instead God speaks to him in a soft whisper. A lot of times I wait for God to show Himself to me in a specific way, and assume disappointment when He doesnt meet me the way I expected.. When in actuality, if I'm sensitive enough to the Holy Spirit, God IS speaking and meeting me (just in a different way than I prayed for).

ACTUALLY (x2), I'm glad God didn't show me His love in an obvious and IN THE FACE way! I've been praying for more discernment in my life since last year--by God showing me his love in this 'indirect, circuitous' way, I was able to grow in discerning the HS! YAY GOD for answering even the speCific prayers in my life!

I don't ever want a new one

2011-05-20T14:40:00.000-04:00

The first time I ever stepped into a church was in 10th grade. After the service (99% which I did not understand, and felt completely out of place about), my friend Patty went up to her youth pastor and asked, "Hey Pastor Steve, do you have any extra Bibles? My friend is new and doesn't have one." He went to his office to get one, but when he came back he said, "Sorry we don't have any more Bibles--but someone left their Bible behind and it's been sitting in the lost & found for months! Here, you can have it."

I didn't like the idea of receiving a second-hand Bible at first, so when I received a *new* leather-bound study-Bible (the two-tone smooth leather kind with the gold page edges), I immediately put this first Bible away. Over the years, I received several other Bibles which was honestly frustrating--I was so disappointed when I received a Bible from my LG as a baptism gift (c'mon how many Bibles did I really need at that time?)

I returned back to my first Bible two years ago when I started carrying my Bible everywhere. Bringing it was mandatory at first to missions training sessions, but later on I couldn't imagine trying to go anywhere without my Bible. When talking to a stranger on the Diag, another lifegroup member, or accountability partner, I just felt ill-equipped without a Bible available in my bag to guide me. Hebrews 4:12 says the word of God is sharper than any double-edged sword, and I really felt it--there was no other equipment I wanted when entering into unforeseeable situations.

In the four years I've been walking with Christ, there have been countless passages and verses I found particularly meaningful at specific parts of my life. The pages that are now filled with underlines, highlights, and comments remind me of some of those key lessons and points of my faith ("stones" according to the life story template PAndrew made us do lol). My compact paperback Bible is beginning to show signs of wear and tear, but I don't think I ever want a new one :P

Questioning friendships

2011-05-17T12:52:00.006-04:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. What’s the purpose of having friends? Is it just so I can have fun and have people to spend time with? Where should my friendships strive towards? What is the end goal of friendships in my life?

Of the many insecurities in my life, relationships are one of the top things on my list. Ever since I was young, I never felt like I “succeeded” socially. I wasn’t ostracized or outcasted in school, but I was also never THE person that everyone wanted to be friends with. The fact that I was never someone’s best friend or girlfriend made me believe that I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough to be one. SO when I came to college knowing just one person, I took the chance to reinvent myself—I forced myself to be more outgoing and fun-to-be-around, thinking my new personality could win over more friends. The truth is, it worked. But deep inside I knew it was all a façade—when I accepted Christ at the end of my freshman year and realized God loved me just the way I am, I dropped the front and became the mellow, less rambunctious, and (let’s be honest) the more boring Nayoung that I am today.

Who I used to be (top right corner)

Since then, I’ve gotten much better at being who I really am, without feeling the pressure to be someone I’m not. I thank God for the biblical community that fostered this environment of being open and REAL, but because of my innate sinfulness I still messed up, BIG TIME. I lived a double life all throughout college, engaging in behaviors in private that I knew were not honoring to God or to people around me. I define integrity as who I am when no one is watching—with that said, it was clear that even as a serious Christ follower and leader in our church, I was NOT living a life of integrity. I was living in darkness and hiding. The gospel didn’t penetrate into all areas of my life, especially when it came to relationships.

Because of all my failures in friendships in the past (before I became a Christian AND after), I’ve been very cautious and unwilling to try again (unfortunate that fear of failure drives so many parts of my life). Right now as I enter my sixth year in Michigan, I am reevaluating the value of friendships in my life, particularly those with my peers. Just because two people met at church doesn’t make their relationship Christ-centered, and that’s what bothers me. There are a handful of relationships in my life that I truly treasure and value because they are founded upon our mutual need for Jesus and desire to worship Him through our conversations, activities, and the like. Those relationships came to be because from the beginning we DTR (defined the relationship) as one we wanted to exalt Christ through—many of them began through LCG pairings or LIFE group, an atmosphere where everyone is on the same page about why we exist. Even though I want these kind of deep, invested relationships with my peers (outside of LG or LCG), I’ve been too afraid of how people will respond (insecurities), fearing I am the only one that feels this discontentment with the shallow level of relationships—Satan sure loves to fool me into thinking I am alone eh.

I am hoping this will be the year where I experience deep, honest, building each other up, and Christ-exalting relationships with my peers. Lord may you transform and redeem friendships in my life to those where we can sharpen one another as iron sharpens iron (Prov 27:17), so that we may become more loving, selfless, humble, and compassionate—more like Christ. Even though that seems like such an ambitious desire, I believe NOTHING is impossible for You (Luke 1:37)..

I would like grandchildren please

2011-05-13T12:40:00.006-04:00

During the discipleship portion of the CSMP a few summers ago, Pastor Andrew suggested that our whole team follow the same Bible Reading Plan—so since then, I’ve been reading through the Word according to the M’Cheyne two-year plan. There were days and many spurts where I wasn’t faithful, but it was SO weird last week when I flipped over my little plan folded into thirds and realized I had made it, a full two years!

Which got me thinking, what was I like two years ago? Have I changed at all?

Two years ago, I had just finished my junior year in college. A busy year in academics and the future (recruiting), but a year God challenged me to s u r r e n d e r as I said no to the plans for my life and signed-up for the CSMP instead. I began seeing the value of INVESTMENT as I wrapped up an awesome year with my life group (New Era), and was offered the opportunity to serve on TEAM Community, the leadership in our church. I was a terrible co-leader in my first lifegroup (Organic)—so consumed about my weaknesses and inadequacies that I wasn’t even praying for people (ie: I often forget that Sparky, Jenn, or Paula were in my LG that summer lol). All I could think about was why I had to lead worship when 90% of the room could sing better than I could, or what words I could say to leave the greatest impact in people’s lives—the only prayers I could conjure up were all about me.

There are so many things I learned and experienced in the last two years, but today I’m especially thankful for the specific ways I grew through serving on TEAM Community. The TEAM (unsurprisingly) is an acronym—Teaching, Equipping, Accountability, and Mentoring. I’m thankful because it is through TC that I was taught spiritual disciplines, equipped with the tools to make disciples, provided the accountability to uphold personal integrity, and mentored by people who also loved Jesus and were constantly looking for ways to live out the Great Commission.

Fast forward to this past weekend at the TC Summit—many of the older sisters who had invested in me were no longer there, and neither were many of my peers who walked right beside me through my journey of transformation. Instead, we welcomed in a fresh crop of eager newbies who were available and willing to lay down their lives for the mission. When we found out our leadership teams for the summer, I could not stop laughing at how funny God is. I had my share of insecurities and fears about not moving on to another stage of my life like 95% of my friends had, but God sovereignly placing the four of us together was a subtle reminder. A subtle reminder that those decisions of (hesitant) submission and obedience two years ago were not just for me, but also affecting the people around me too.

I never thought this could happen, but God has been using me. God used my time and availability, interests and passions, but He also used my mistakes and failures from the past. My relationship with my three co-leaders were built upon mistakes and failures in my life. The biggest area of sin in my life is what drew us together, and God took what used to be an area of shame and guilt in my life and made it an offering of praise as I confessed my need for cleansing and redemption. It was awesome understanding God had forgiven me and freed me, but what was AWESOMER was when I witnessed other people experience this as well (reproducibility). I NEVER thought anything good could come out of my sin, but God used "my greatest misery as my greatest ministry." Truly God is a REDEEMER.

I'm excited to be serving with these girls, not just because they are awesome girls that I love, but because I know we're all broken, super messed-up individuals that God can use for His glory. Here's to making more disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the HS--and teaching them to obey everything Jesus has commanded us (Matthew 28:19-20)!

Gift-giving philosophy?

2011-05-09T16:44:00.003-04:00

One of those topics that always seems to come up is the different ways we show love--the well-known love languages varying from words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

I'm still figuring myself out, but I think I tend to show my love through gifts and words of affirmation. I LOVE taking mental notes of things people mention in passing and giving it to them unexpectedly. Often times they're not even items that are very costly monetarily but just the mere fact that I am able to meet a need in the other person's life brings me much joy. With that said, if I wasn't inspired or didn't "pick up" on a need in a friend's life, I prefer to just not buy any gift at all and instead resort to a card of (hopefully) encouraging affirmations instead. Might seem a little odd, but I guess it just aligns with the practical side of me.

Apparently many people receive love in different ways than the way they SHOW love. Even though gift-giving is my most active(?) way of showing love, I definitely don't think I receive it the same way. Maybe it's just because I am very particular, but I much rather prefer a card full of affirmations or a couple hours of quality time than an object purchased and wrapped for my surprise. In fact, I think being pressured to open a gift in front of the gift-giver is one of the most uncomfortable situations to be in--I'm not very good at hiding my true feelings haha.

A few days ago I began saying my goodbyes to dear friends who were leaving town and moving on to other things in their lives. One of those was with someone vastLY different than myself, so extreme that we often referred to our relationship as one similar to Paul & Barnabas from the NT. We had so many personality differences and communication issues that for the first five months we were in the same LG, we compLETLY went over each others' heads. It is truly ONLY by GG that our relationship improved and thrived in the latter months, which is why I'm so thankful for our friendship. Sandy and I didn't get along because we clicked or had common interests, but God placed us in each others' lives so we would learn how to love.

I'll miss you Sandy because every time I saw you I was reminded of God's grace, and His power to redeem all failures and mistakes in my life. Thanks for leaving me with a visual reminder so that I will never forget these lessons and promises :)

Love, Paul(a)

Driving habits

2011-05-05T16:54:00.000-04:00

This morning I was driving to Trix Elementary for my weekly Junior Achievement session with the 5th graders. I've been there four times now and the commute there is actually REALLY simple. Despite the fact that I had gained familiarity with the route though, I felt the need to check the directions one more time. I just couldn't stand the idea of uncertainty--that 1% chance that I woULDN't know the right exit to take or the right street to turn into.

It was silly because even though I couldn't recall the exact exit number or the street name, I knew the approximate distance or the landmarks indicating an approaching turn. But I didn't feel like that was enough--I needed the extra confirmation, something to seal the deal. I couldn't move forward with merely what I knew because I was so scared of failing. Even if that chance was so abysmal, it didn't matter--my fear of failure paralyzed me from moving forward.

I wonder how much I'm missing out on just because I'm scared of taking risks--risking failure, but also risking missing out on mucho blessings.

OK GOTS TO GO! I MADE IT THROUGH THE PACKED DAY and even managed to blog about this in time. EXCITED FOR THE NEW YEAR--GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHTTTT

Til I Got to Know You

2011-05-02T16:29:00.004-04:00

When you listen to a song, which sticks out to you--the lyrics, or the beat/tune/melody?

I've always found it difficult to discern the meaning of songs (yet alone discern what people are even saying) when listening to music. I know this is very odd for someone my age, but I don't even listen to music. I like driving my car in silence, jogging without earbuds, and doing work without distractions. Sooooo... when I DO stumble across a song I actually like, it means a lot.

Here are the words to a song by Sanctus Real called "Til I Got to Know You"--it was played during one of the videos at Easter and I found out about it on a friend's blog afterwards..

I tried perfecting myself

Would You love me more without my mistakes?

I tried not to ask for Your help

'Cause I didn't want to scare You away

Yeah, I was always worried

I was gonna let You down

Oh, it felt like I was standing

In between the lost and found

'Til I got to know You, You

I was at a place when You found a way

To break through, it's true

I was just a skeptic 'til I got to know You, You

And it's hard accepting Your grace

In a world where nothing's free

For so long I was afraid

That You'd only see the worst in me

Yeah, I was always worried

You were gonna figure out

That I wasn't what You wanted

Wasn't worth being around

This song rings true to me because it captures the insecurities I have, not just as a human being relative to other human beings, but in my relationship with God too. I was always worried no one would want me if they REALLY knew who I was inside--I had heard that Jesus's love for me was unconditional and unchanging, but doubted it all inside.

It wasn't until I confessed word-by-word, image-by-image, e-v-e-r-y big aND little sin in my life that I was no longer a skeptic. God didn't shun me or reject me because of my mistakes or failures, but actually wanted me still. That honest time of repentance at the TC summit a year ago marked a breakthrough in understanding God's love for me. God help me to feel the depth of my sinfulness and be broken before you again..

A breakthrough week to start the "new year"

2011-04-30T22:09:00.002-04:00

This week has been.. breathtakingly awesome.

One atypical thing about my life right now is that even though I am a working adult, my schedule is significantly affected by those of college students (due to the ministry I'm investing in). With the semester coming to a close and the campus filled with family/friends visiting for graduation, many of the meetings I normally partake in after work have been cancelled. I wanted to steward this God-given free time (!) purposefully and this week has been just that!

1) Developing discipline

Unfortunately over the past semester I've lost alot of the discipline and self-control I once had. I've been praying for discipline for a while but this week God has given me SO many chances to make new commitments for the year (and actually stick to them)! This is a great beginning to the "new year" that begins next weekend, and I'm hopeful that God will enable me to stay true to my commitments for the rest of the summer.

2) Being still (Psalm 46:10)

While serving in our church, I've often found myself making ministry an idol rather than worshiping God himself. Being a complete Martha (a 'do'-er, not just a 'be'-er), I've struggled with allocating my time between those I need to minister to vs. times I need to be ministered to. Often times God would get the leftovers in my schedule because I felt like I always needed to be doing something, producing results that would validate my investment. This week to myself has been really good to just be still and know He is God (aka He'll take care of everything with or without me).

TYL for this incredible week of developing disciplines, being still, (and knowing YOU ARE GOD)!

I love my car

2011-04-27T17:22:00.003-04:00

I've been really enjoying my time driving this week. The week started off freaking out about the warning light to check my tire pressure (and fill my gas tank), but after I took care of that I think I just had a greater appreciation of my car.

Even though driving 90 miles/day is never ideal, I've come to (on occasion)appreciate my long commutes. Throughout the past eight months, my commutes have been awesome times for me to memorize verses, catch-up with Hyeri, or actually pray for the people on my dinky prayer card. That little vehicle has served as a sanctuary for me and sometimes even with other people. I distinctly remember a time last year when I had an emergency breakdown session with a friend in her car. We only ended up there because both of our apartments were at-the-time occupied--but man that time venting and praying in a confined vehicle was sweet.

Even though I had previously been very adamant about not owning a car (why pay the fixed costs of car insurance, variable costs of gasoline, constant stresses of parking when you can just SHARE a car instead?), I'm thankful because owning car has also allowed me to take freshmen off-campus (remember how exciting that was?), give rides to the airport (man I am so indebted to all the older sisters who did this for me YEAR after YEAR), and so much more. I love my car :)

I love stories

2011-04-26T13:32:00.003-04:00

Baptism services and Grad Night are my favorite events every year because we get to hear a plethora of stories, back-to-back-to-back. These stories leave me refreshed and encouraged because 9 times out of 10, I'm questioning, doubting, and wondering if it's worth living my life for God's glory (not my own).

This first year out of school has not been any different.

90% of the time, I questioned why I was still in Michigan, why I was working in Detroit, why I spent so much time serving the church, and why I rarely had free time to myself. Of course the simple answer to why was: because God called me to do this. But that's all I had--a mere conviction, a promise that "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are (God's) ways higher than (my) ways and (God's) thoughts than (my) thoughts" (Isa 55:9). I never planned or desired my life after college to be the way it looks now--if I had it my way, I'd be in downtown Chicago, working for a CPG company as a brand manager, enjoying the HMCC_CHI community without making the personal sacrifices. But I didn't pursue that path because I felt like God's will was different. I made my decisions based on faith, trying to be sure of what I hoped for and certain of what I did not see (Heb 11:1).

I don't like using words I don't mean (or sometimes without even knowing what they mean). For years I said things like "awww I'm so blessed!" or "man what a blessing", assuming it would be an appropriate filler to express my thankfulness at times. Pseth mentioned a few months ago that a blessing (in original context) refers to when a PROMISE is made true or fulfilled.

So.. what is a promise I banked on?

God's plan for my life is better than any plan I could come up with on my own.
(Isaiah 55:9, Proverbs 3:5-6, Matthew 16:23-25)

How was this promise fulfilled?

I'm sure there are many jobs, friendships, and communities outside of MI I could have been very happy with. But what's special here is that I have the privilege of serving as a shepherd for fifteen college students in a mini-church--a church whose mission I can personally testify to--the mission of transforming lost people into Christ's disciples who will then transform the world.

You can call me naive if you'd like, but there has been nothing more EXCITING, JOYFUL, EXHILARATING, and AWESOME in my life than experiencing the power of God myself, OR witnessing someone else experience it. The story God has been writing in Ginny's life has been an absolutely awe-astounding one. My super-abridged summary of key chapters in her life:

Came to MI three years ago as an international student from Taiwan with little exposure to Christianity
Took a Social Entrepreneurship class at UM in Fall 2010 which transformed her life (dropped pre-med career track)
Started coming out to Life Group in January (and surprisingly kept coming every week, thanks to the commitment she saw in other believers around her)
Signed-up for the Global Access International Student Retreat upon her own initiative--left confidently believing God had a plan for her life (creepily involving Jaeson Ma's prophecy about UM being a hub for social entrepreneurship)
Began seeing her need for Jesus this past month as she attended churchwide gatherings and read the Bible on her own

Ginny made the personal commitment to accept Jesus as her Lord & Savior this weekend (!), and I can't believe I got to celebrate by welcoming her into the family of God.

More than just her salvation, her story has been an incredible affirmation of the promise God gave ME a year ago--the promise that His plan for me to live, work, and invest in Michigan supersedes any grandiose plan I devised on my own. TYL for using Ginny to fulfill a promise in my life that I questioned and doubted--surely BLESSED are those who trust in you!

Hope

2011-04-21T13:13:00.003-04:00

Over three weeks since I last bit my nails--I can't believe it! They're starting to get long enough for me to use a nail clipper now though so figured I'd snipe a pic. One of my nails (on the other hand) started tempting me today so I ended up "peeling it" away instead of patiently waiting to use a real nail clipper at home today. I am so tempted to just do the same to the other nine nails now, particularly because I know I already "gave in" to one. GAH must resist..

Had the chance to check out Milano Bakery yesterday during lunch-time. Jan and I have been having monthly outings for lunch where we actually leave our cubicles and our buildings.

The first time we did this was back in November when a Groupon deal prompted us to drive 6 minutes away from our building for lunch. This was a really epic moment because despite having worked in Detroit for 4-6 months prior, neither of us had EVER veered off the Ann Arbor to RenCen (and vice versa) route. In the brief 6 minute drive out, we saw sides of Detroit that vastly contrasted with the building we locked ourselves in for months. "Coincidentally" this happened during our church-wide Missions Week, where Jaeson Ma prophecied about the restoration of Detroit and our pastor shared personally about how God might be opening doors for us to be involved. This was the beginning of God opening my eyes and growing my heart for the D.

Who knows what this really means for my future, but it's been a lot of fun engaging more with the city since. I'm thankful for the opportunities I had to learn about the city by volunteering with great non-profits, organizations, and social enterprises like Junior Achievement, DP Day, and Get Fresh Detroit--but these organizations can only do so much.

In the end, what Detroit needs is HOPE--and this boundless, unchanging, eternal hope isn't going to come from a passionate politician, entrepreneur, or philanthropist. Detroit needs JC, our Lord and Savior, to continue to have hope and trust in God's goodness even through undesirable circumstances.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:28-31

Discovering God's will for a career

2011-04-20T10:15:00.007-04:00

I used to think that anything I invested in church was irrelevant for the "real world."

Whenever people would ask me what extra-curricular activities I'm involved with, I knew I was investing the most time into the local church--nearly every day of the week I was investing in my personal or others' spiritual lives. The killer was that despite how much I was investing, I felt like I couldn't justify its worth to a classmate or employer. I made sure to keep the "brand-name" internships and solid leadership positions on my resume, but never felt comfortable writing "Harvest Mission Community Church" on a mere 8.5x11 sheet of paper listing my professional qualifications.

By the time I was applying for jobs senior year, I had no choice but to list HMCC on my resume--recruiters always inquired what I did my junior year summer, since there was no impressive internship employer to woo them over. Even though I tried SO HARD to relate my experience at Cesar Chavez Academy or Excel to marketing skills, most of my interviewers left unconvinced about the value of what I did that summer. As I got turned down, I started blaming that summer as the reason for my rejections, and developed bitterness against God. I was questioning my decision to work in MI upon graduation, questioning my decision to surrender that junior year summer, and even tracing all the way back to questioning my decision to follow Christ. My trust level of this supposed almighty and all-knowing God was abysmal.

Even though most employers I interviewed with seemed disapproving of my summer decision, when I interviewed with Deloitte they actually APPRECIATED the fact that I did something different that summer. I no longer felt like I had to "hide" what I did, or who I really was. That's what was so liberating, and that's when I began to see that this might be where God wanted me to be.

During the interview, I not only shared honestly about how my time at CCA rocked my worldview but also had the chance to share about my experience working with graphic designers on the Publications team at my church. The position I was applying for involved working with graphic designers and writers, and my familiarity with the software actually set me apart from the other candidates. Even though I had joined the Pubs team years before JUST because I was told to, I began to see how the things I had learned on my ministry team ACTUALLY helped me discover my passions and gave me clarity for my future career.

I share this story because I've seen many people discover a (new) calling for their careers by serving in our church.

Today, Jenny found out that she got accepted into the Masters program at the UM School of Education. While she was ecstatic and in disbelief, I knew without a doubt that she would get in. I don't have the gift of prophecy, but from just seeing her when she is with children, it is SO CLEAR that influencing children is what God has CREATED her to do--it's what He gifted her in, and she had the chance to use and grow that gift as she served on the Building Blocks children's ministry in our church.

More than a congratulations, I want to proclaim how GOOD our God is, for knowing her inside and out, revealing His will for her life, and (of course) providing a way so she could faithfully do what she was created to do. I feel silly for ever thinking that serving on a ministry team is just a nice spiritual thing to do, when in actuality God can surely use it to reveal His will for our careers too :P

Jenny doing what she does best, loving and influencing children at Excel Academy in 2009

The hard way

2011-04-19T17:06:00.002-04:00

One thing I really dropped the ball about this year is carrying some of my (bad) habits from student life into working life.

Overall, I am a very meticulous person with careful attention to detail. When I was in college though, I realized there was just no need for me to THAT attentive to detail--after all, I was dealing with hypothetical case studies in class or a sentimental gift that was merely meant to bless. Initially when I did carry out things to the tee, my teammates either dismissed it as unnecessary, or the attention to detail was unrecognized, hence (in my mind) deeming it as something not worth the investment. So I graduated college without doing everything detail-by-detail, pretty lackadaisically, and in Korean terms, very "dul-lung". My grades didn't suffer much as a result of my half-hearted efforts, which also affirms the recent NYTimes Article about "Skating through B-School" :P

I carried this "I don't really have to be THAT attentive to detail in order to succeed" mindset when I transitioned to working life, and MAN do I wish I had known better.

The first project I worked on at work was in helping prepare a report of top opportunities with current or potential clients. I was merely doing what I was told, but carried my "half-hearted" mindset and ended up messing up big time. After my teammate "called me out" for the mistake, I humbly accepted my (lack of) responsibility and expected him to forgive. Sadly I realized there is no concept of grace in the real world (at least much less of it than what I was used to in biblical community) and I got a nice blow to my face.

Today I spent a couple hours sitting through an online tutorial to receive certification for an online database I am to manage. The tutorial concludes with a final exam where I must answer at least 80% of the questions correctly. The first two times I breezed through the tutorial and took a stab at the final exam, I failed miserably with a 36% average. I see now that when dealing with real clients, real projects, and (ultimately) real money, I can't just "take it easy".

Unsurprising fact, but I just had to learn the hard way.

Spurring one another

2011-04-18T16:09:00.005-04:00

One of my favorite aspects of Christ-centered community is the chance to hear other people's stories of God at work in their lives.

I still remember Grad Night two years ago--even though I had attended every Grad Night, this one was special. That time Junior Year, I had made some difficult decisions to obey God and was questioning if it was worth it all. I went into the evening not expecting much, but when I sat through hours of graduates boasting about how God has been at work in the midst of all they went through, I couldn't help but agree that God was not only SO EVIDENTLY working in people's lives, but also how much it was WORTH IT to keep following Jesus.

Even though I have a hard time getting in touch with my emotions, when the testimonies ended and I walked up to the graduates one-by-one to thank them for sharing their story, I ended up BURSTING into tears. I felt silly bawling in front of them, but I just couldn't believe I had been doubting the worthiness of living this life for Christ. Within a matter of hours, God had used a series of other people's stories to spur me on and remind me to hold onto His promises.

God thank you that you did not intend for us to live alone, but to live in community. Thank you for the people around me who have reminded me to hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for You who promised is faithful. May you use me to spur others toward love and good deeds, just as others have encouraged me (Hebrews 10:23-25).

Let's toast

2011-04-15T00:51:00.001-04:00

When I think about how I made it through my years in Michigan, I know I couldn't have done it without community (side note: after shamelessly promoting our lifegroup video last year, I canNOT say the word community without singing it to the melody lol).

A lot of changes came about when I started college--not only the idea of starting a new life in an unknown city, but my biological family had also transitioned to life in Korea, and I went through an extreme identity crisis as I was confronted with the gospel while living a duplicitous life. But through all the new things I was experiencing, there was always a sister or brother in my spiritual family who was encouraging me to keep trusting in our Lord JC. Without my peers, accountability partners, mentors, and spiritual role models, I am nearly confident that I would have fell away from the faith (especially in light of all the junk I had hidden away behind-the-scenes).

My mom is in-town this week and today I had the chance to invite some friends over for a home-cooked meal. To be honest I was a little nervous about how the dinner would go, especially considering some of the new and younger faces that would be joining (this has become a tradition of sorts in the past few years when my mom visited)--the group was a hodgepodge of influential people in my life, from past/current roommates to old lifegroup leaders to younger sisters I began investing in. Despite my worries, my friends did a GREAT job incorporating my middle-aged mom with broken English into the conversation, and she had a GREAT time.

My mom is still trying to convince me to move back home, but she mentioned last time how she felt so much more at peace about my life on the other side of the world once she got to know the people I was surrounding myself with here. She may not know now exactly what it is that "make us all similar" (Jesus), but she definitely recognizes something is different.

So to the brothers and sisters nearest to me (some unpictured due to prior engagements), here's what I contemplated toasting to at tonight's dinner but chickened out about (heh):

Thanks for being a part of my spiritual family and loving me just the way I am (as unconditional as a biological family's love can be). You've shown me so much patience, given me undeserved trust, and redefined the value of friendships in my life. I don't know what good you see in me, so it must be Jesus :P. Here's to another year of loving and serving our great God! xoxo, ny

Fill in the blank

2011-04-13T16:43:00.001-04:00

Check out this cool site that I didn't make (and is not affiliated with HMCC): http://jesus-is.org/

In efforts to get people in Ann Arbor thinking about who Jesus is, I've been conducting one question surveys to get people's honest thoughts on what they think of Jesus. The first time I did this exercise was with my ministry team, and I was blown away that 1) people were very willing to fill in the blank in "Jesus is _____, 2) there were more believers than I expected, and 3) some people genuinely had NO IDEA who Jesus was to them personally.

My lifegroup participated in this exercise last night, this time not only to gauge the spiritual climate of this campus, but also to get our fresh JESUS IS rave cards out into the city! The survey was an excellent, non-intimidating segway to promote our Easter Celebration to strangers, and I'm thankful I had the chance to do this with my LG.

The responses I've received in the past varies from things like.. Jesus is ______:

black
my savior
love
someone important to others but not to me
a prophet
not real

However, the most ! response I got yesterday was actually from a friend I ran into by accident. He hesitated to give me his honest response, but ended up writing out..

Jesus is: "hopefully forgiving"

I had never really talked about spiritual things with this friend, so as soon as he submitted his answer, I merely gave him a rave card promoting our Easter Celebration (out of standard protocol) and was ready to walk away. I didn't think much about how my friend had responded, but Mathew from my LG mentioned how the sermon being preached this Sunday would actually be about how Jesus is: forgiving (!) He extended an invite and my friend asked me to just fb msg him a reminder.

I couldn't believe it! Time and time again God blows me away by moving in people's lives, even when I don't pray for it/want it/ask for it. Even when we are faithless, he always remains faithful--for he cannot deny himself (2 Tim 2:13).

Influenced by surroundings

2011-04-12T00:25:00.004-04:00

Yesterday at church I went to say hello to Kathleen and her newborn daughter, Shana. After a few minutes Kathleen asked me if I wanted to hold Shana --before I could say no, she handed her over to me and started walking away to find her two other sons (lol).

I've often enjoyed watching and admiring babies from a distance. Partly because holding such a precious and fragile baby in my arms seemed like a daunting task, and also because I know I'm not particularly gifted with children. But when I was holding Shana yesterday for a good ten minutes, I wondered what I should say to this ten week year-old baby.

I knew her body hadn't developed biologically to comprehend everything people said to her or around her, but I just felt like every little thing could leave a mark in her future perceptions.

If I could let my child know ONE thing, what would it be? Mommy loves you?Jesus loves you? You're sooo cute?

I think about the things from my childhood that affected my perceptions of the world later on in life. I may be biased since I speak generally on behalf of business majors, but many college grads dream of having a career that allows them to travel. The movie UP IN THE AIR features the life of a traveling professional who enjoys the perks of frequent flyer miles and hotel points as he lives out of a suitcase and is continuously going in and out of airports. There are definitely appeals to traveling under company dime--my consulting friends love having the ability to expense all their travels, food, and lodging Monday through Thursday every week. But for me, traveling on the job has never appealed because of my upbringing.

Ever since I was born, my dad has traveled frequently on the job. His absence affected my view of a father, authority figures, families, and even men as a whole. Hence, I never wanted a job for myself (or for a future spouse) that required traveling. My dad had no idea his job affected me in such impactful ways, and frankly I didn't know either until just a few years ago. In the same way, I wonder what kind of impact we're leaving in future generations, even newborns like Shana. The thought scares me from time to time, but I suppose I just need to trust that my children will see more of Christ in me rather than my sinful nature.

Best time of worship

2011-04-11T00:19:00.003-04:00

I love unexpected blessings that result from a detour.

The original plan: To dine at Zingerman's Roadhouse for the first time, with a dear friend whose days in town are counting down (going to the Roadhouse was one of the things on her bucket list).

What actually ended up happening: Catching-up, worshiping, and praying OUTSIDE while enjoying God's gifts!

Lisa and I had been planning this for a while now and I was super stoked about having this one-on-one time with her. The detour came when she began telling this long story about how the HS challenged her to fast for pre-christians in her life. I've never understood the hype about Zingerman's (gah whoever's reading this, please don't kill me) and frankly never thought it was worth the price tag or wait time. Despite me having communicated this, Lisa was SUPER apologetic about not being able to follow through on our original plan.

We ended up picking up some drinks from Panera and heading over to the Diag to catch-up while enjoying the completely out-of-the-blue gift of beautiful weather. The time catching-up and testifying to God's work in our lives was awesome as usual, but the clincher was really what followed. We moved to a lesser congested part of the Diag (to respect those around us who were studying), whipped out a guitar, and started publicly (!) praising our Lord JC for all the great work He had done, free-worship style, just like the summer when we led together. A handful of people walked by, some with confused looks, others intentionally looking away, or a few even commenting on what we were doing. I've always been cautious about publicly singing songs of praise, wondering its effectiveness in reaching the audience of people walking by--but this time of worship was for us, not for them. We brought the guitar so we could just.. personally worship (for our own sake) while enjoying the weather (enjoying the weather = another form of worship), not so we could grab people's attention or leave an impression. But what better way to pray for the lost in this city than to actually BE immersed in the midst of the HUNDREDS that had flocked out to enjoy the weather too, right?

Sure we could have worshiped and praised God in the midst of our private conversation at a restaurant, but what made this time today so powerful was that we did the same thing, just in a public setting. Who knows what impression our verbal conversations, audible lyrics, or act of praying left on the tens of people that walked/sat/tanned near us, but I'm so thankful for the detour that allowed us to worship Jesus personally aND publicly.

I left our time together wanting to reschedule all my meet-ups this week to involve sitting outside with a guitar. Not sure if the weather will permit that, but definitely a mental note for spring term :)

Confession:

2011-04-10T01:32:00.001-04:00

I've never read the entire bible.

When I first made the decision to make Jesus my lord and savior, it was unsurprising that I had never read the entire bible before. In fact, my knowledge of the old testament was so abysmal that one summer when I was planning for bible story lessons for kids (csmp), I had to secretly read summaries of common stories taught to kids while my teammates who grew up going to Sunday school easily recalled characters from the ot. I was so embarrassed that I had no idea who these prominent characters from the ot were, such as Ruth/Naomi, Joseph & his brothers, Jonah, king David, and the like. But knowing I had only began my relationship with God two years prior, I had somewhat of a. "safety net" to excuse myself.

Today, more than four years have passed and I have yet to know the entire history of God moving powerfully amongst people before Christ. Here I am trying to teach the fifteen college students in my lifegroup how to value the word of God, yet neglecting a huge resource available to me to grow in my understanding of God. I have no excuse.

Recently I've been seeking much wisdom and discernment for several areas in my life. A wonderful accountability partner in my life compared a situation I'm facing in the workplace with the story of Esther. If it was anyone else, I would have pretended I knew exactly what she was talking about--but since the best accountability relationships are based on honesty and courage, I unshamedly admitted that I knew nothing about this character. I committed to read the whole book this week, and today I finally got to the end of this juicy, drama-filled story.

Initially I couldn't understand what was to admire about this esther (enough for half of the Christian Korean-American females I know to be given the same name). But mannnn esther's uncompromising devotion to her people and willingness to take bold risks with the king showed just how secure she was.

Atmospheres

2011-04-09T00:58:00.001-04:00

I will never forget the first day I walked into my soon-to-be workplace for my final round of interviews. Despite being located in one of the more prominent centers in Detroit, when I got off the elevator and opened the door, I was greeted by a dim and narrow atmosphere with high-walled cubicles. Half of the desks on the floors were unoccupied, and I couldn't imagine spending more than forty hours there every week.

Having worked in an ad agency a few years prior where there was not a single item of furniture in grayscale colors and the fridges were stocked with beer, I could immediately sense how much more formal and professional the culture was than at Leo Burnett.

ANYWAY, all of that changed a few months ago when I found out that we would be moving! Today our office leader invited us to an open house at the new tower, and presented details about the new facilities. The major change is that the new workplace emphasizes openness and collaboration, through the plentiful amounts of natural light and destruction of walls.

I had heard mixed reviews from my co-workers regarding the seemingly lesser degrees of privacy available in the new setting, but MAN I came back from the open house STOKED! As a part of such a global (aka spread-out) firm, I had been given the awesome privilege of telecommuting (working from home) throughout the week. Seeing this new workplace (and all the investment that was being made to promote more relationship-building across the firm) just made me want to come into the office every day!

Anywho, some pics from Steelcase for visual appeal:

If you were waiting for some deep connection between this cool office setting and something meaningful in my life, there is none.

Just wanted to share that I am excited :)

Participating in educational initiatives

2011-04-07T15:22:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite parts about working at Deloitte is the ways we are involved in local communities. Similar to DP Day that the University of Michigan participates in once a year, Deloitte has IMPACT Day, where the entire firm puts our regular responsibilities on pause for one day to participate in skills-based volunteering. Throughout the year, we partner with a few select organizations like United Way, City Year, and College Summit to serve as mentors, teachers, and counselors (among other things).

It's funny that I express such enthusiasm now because all throughout high school and college, I greatly undermined the value of community service. Maybe it's because I grew up in a rather homogeneous suburban neighborhood, but I didn't see the power of mentorship relationships until two summers ago when I got to interact with the underachieving youth at Cesar Chavez Academy in Southwest Detroit. Since then, I've been learning more about different social issues and how I can use my existing passions and educational background to help make a difference (hence last year's ventures in exploring the Base of the Pyramid, social entrepreneurship, etc). Even when it comes to community involvement, there are a lot of different emphases such as addressing issues healthcare, poverty, education, or the environment, but the part that I am passionate about (and just SO happens to be the part Deloitte is committed to) is education.

One of those organizations I learned about when it comes to combining education and business is Junior Achievement, which is the "world’s largest organization dedicated to educating students about workforce readiness, entrepreneurship and financial literacy through experiential, hands-on programs." In my words, JA uses basic business principles to motivate youth to a better life. Business + education = right up my alley.

A few weeks ago, Deloitte was looking for volunteers and of course I jumped on the opportunity. So this morning I nervously walked into an elementary school in the east side of Detroit, to teach a class of 38 fifth graders (yes it's a huge class) about the importance of managing money (key terms from the day: bank account, withdrawals, deposits). I haven't felt this nervous in a WHILE (last time I had a job interview?) but whew thankfully it went better than expected. More than the experience of teaching in front of a classroom though, my experience in the girls' bathroom was more surprising--some of my observations from my brief stay:

The stalls are legit 4 feet tall. I felt like a giant. I also thought of the Stockwell bathroom incident with Anna & Liza kakakak
The stalls don't have locks. Not sure if this was to prevent bullying (swirly?) or shady business, but was def shocked.
All three soap dispensers in the bathroom were empty
There was nothing to dry my hands (no dryer, paper towels, etc)

I'll be teaching this class of 5th graders for a total of six weeks every Thursday, and I'm excited to discover more shocking observations in the process. Here's to developing a more holistic world-view--

Launching points

2011-04-06T22:57:00.003-04:00

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss Wed night chapel times.

Every Wed night, I meet with a couple people to pray for our lifegroup. Tonight as one of the members were closing out, he mentioned how thankful he was for the relationships that were built this year, and prayed that the accountability relationships would continue through the summer and beyond.

It wasn't anything new, but that kind of specific prayer just didn't cross my mind for some reason. I couldn't help but giggle inside with excitement, as I thought about all the relationships that flourished AFTER a life group ended.

Eight months is just too short of a time for a relationship to be built then ended. So many relationships flourished and went to deeper levels in the months and years following an "official" time period, which makes me feel a little less sad about this lifegroup coming to a close. The school year might be over, but the relationships last forever.

Another reason why I'm going to miss Wed chapel times: consistency in seeing the same faces, week after week! No matter how busy a week is, I always get to see Angela, Anna, Bo, DJ, and Erica, and MJ on Wed nights :)

Random side note: I love looking at old pictures I unknowingly took on my phone!

Here's a silly pic of two relationships that flourished after our official context teehehe

Why I love marketing

2011-04-05T16:38:00.004-04:00

If you've been around me long enough, you probably know how much I love good deals. I've been an avid follower of Dealnews and Spoofee for years, and this year I started sharing the good news of Groupon and Livingsocial with more passion than I evangelize about Jesus.

A few weeks ago I publicized on my facebook about a local skydiving deal, encouraging "anyone whose life bucket list includes skydiving to take this chance" and purchase the deal. I didn't understand the power of social media until a friend walked up to me the next day and told me that after seeing my "exhortation", he and fifteen of his friends purchased the deal together and will all be jumping out of a plane in September. I was in shock but also stunned--what if I shared about Jesus with such passion and enthusiasm?? Would fifteen others buy the product I'm selling with just as much excitement?? What if I shamelessly and convincingly "sold" Jesus on my facebook?

Yesterday on a rare *open* Monday night, I had the chance to grab dinner with a few of my bschool friends who work in Ann Arbor. In typical NY fashion, I suggested going to the Blue Tractor for $2.95 double-stacked burgers (get the coupon here). It was a great deal but more than that I've really enjoyed my outings with Amanda, Anna, and Alex this year because as different as we are (we weren't really friends in school), one unifying thread is our love for marketing.

Marketing is all about understanding people and developing strategies to most effectively sell them a product, service, or idea that you believe in. I LOVE MARKETING because it doesn't conclude at the end of the business day or is confined to spaces. Wherever I am, whoever I am with, whatever I am doing, I am always trying to understand people around me and how to most effectively present them a product, service, or idea that I believe will benefit them. It just so happens that sometimes that thing is a great new restaurant, a great coupon, or a great trust in a God that's bigger than our circumstances.

A snippet of our dorky marketing humor. Only a few people would appreciate something like this ^_^

Combating loneliness

2011-04-04T12:51:00.002-04:00

With the school year and season of church ministry coming to a close, I have been thinking about what to expect in the coming months. Not much will change in my own life as I will continue to work in Detroit and live in Ann Arbor, but for many of the people around me things WILL look drastically different, whether it be moving to another city or taking on different responsibilities where they currently are. While other people's decisions don't alter my desire to invest in college students lives, in complete frankness, I can foresee feelings of loneliness creeping in already.

Yesterday the women in our church wrapped up our study on some common "lies women believe in (and the truths that set us free)". I didn't expect the three sessions to be a silver bullet (end-all-solution) to all my problems, but one thing I walked away with is the need for me to dispel every lie in my mind with a DIRECT, corresponding truth from the Bible.

Recently whenever I give a personal update, I have found myself giving disclaimers such as "I know this is completely unbiblical but.." before I talk about what's currently on my mind. Clearly I am well-aware of at least a few lies I currently believe in, yet am not willing to take the initiative to actually confront them individually with truths. So life app #1 to combat my fear of loneliness:

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:9-10)

Lord help me to know that even when I feel alone as my friends are taking different paths, that surely you are with me always, to the very end of age.

I'm still a baby

2011-04-02T22:51:00.005-04:00

A few months ago during a church-wide fast, I was convicted to pray more specific prayers. One of the specific prayers I lifted up was for two new members to join the publications team.

To my complete surprise, that prayer was actually fulfilled. Two sophomores, Julia and Mathew, began serving in our church for the first time. As thrilled and blown-away I was to see God answer a prayer I lifted up so faithlessly, a myriad of fears and questions started creeping in. How would having two new members affect our ministry team?

For quite a while now, the publications team was composed of a handful of very committed people who wholeheartedly agreed with the mission and vision of HMCC--in other words, my entire team was composed of old people who had been around our church for many years (ie: our two youngest team members were college seniors O_O). Everyone was "on the same page", which allowed our times of sharing to be very open and honest, without fears of judgment or having to upkeep an expectation given with certain titles or positions.

Often times during our ministry team meetings, I would also outburst into laughter or break loose in a very child-like manner. At almost every meeting, Anna and I would give each other signals/looks and begin laughing hysterically as we recapped memories or jokes from the past. Maybe it's because we've had a long history together, but Anna just knows how to bring out a side of me that many people have yet to even know. I love our times together because the laughters we share are genuine and pure, with a child-like nature. I don't feel the pressure to laugh at things I don't find funny or to comment on things I barely know of--I just know that I can be myself and she would take me in just the way I am.

I wish I could say that on behalf of all my friendships, but my share of personal insecurities just clouds the picture for many relationships in my life. When I am with Anna, I am able to just be who I really am because I have been assured of her unchanging love and care for me. She has closely exemplified God's unconditional love to me, and surely validated the promise that "perfect love casts out all fear" (1 John 4:18).

TYL for giving me a great example for me to follow as an LCG, designer, and friend. Cheers to another year aechoi!

Regrets

2011-04-01T12:26:00.004-04:00

I don't have many regrets in life, but one of them is regarding the relationship I have with my family.

I grew up most of my life in NJ with mom, dad, and brother, but things started changing my junior year in high school. My older brother moved to Pittsburgh for college, my dad got transferred back to the office in Korea, and I ended up living with my mom for a little less than two years. I think the time was particularly hard for my mom, but I (being the immature and self-absorbed student I was) personally wasn't that affected by the sudden disbursement of my immediate family.

My mom ended up moving to Korea to be with my dad the moment I finished high school, and I transitioned to life in Michigan. During the breaks is when I realized I didn't know where I belonged anymore--I would go "home" to Korea once or twice a year, thinking of NJ or MI as where I really belonged. Over my four years in college as I started investing more in my relationship with God, one of the first things that I dropped was maintaining my relationship with my family. Everything in life is a trade-off (the only thing I learned from Macroeconomics) and without knowing it, I started distancing myself from my family as I got more immersed in other things. Despite their efforts to keep in touch, I failed to play my part as I defensively justified with remarks of how busy I was--I didn't even offer my leftovers.

Yesterday was my brother's 25th birthday and as usual I was greeted by the usual we miss you/

wish you were here/have you thought about moving somewhere else. My whole family has been pushing for me to work in Korea after college, particularly because they saw how my four years in college left no positive marks in our family life. If anything, all they see is how religious their daughter has become and how much more tension she has brought with her newfound beliefs into a seemingly "perfect" family. I know I haven't been the best witness to them, yet alone a good daughter and I have my share of regrets--but all I can do now is to surrender all of my failures and mistakes, and believe by faith that God is capable of redeeming them all.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

The first time I got glasses

2011-03-31T20:29:00.001-04:00

I still remember the first time I went to the eye doctor. I had good eyes most of my life, and I remember in 9th grade how I really wanted glasses just because they looked cool. To my relief, my eye doctor told me that I could get glasses if I wanted (optional). After the scary wind-blowing machine spit out an appropriate dosage, he opened a drawer to assemble a funny looking frame with interchangeable lenses. He handed it to me to try on, and I still so clearly remember the moment I put them on the first time.

I was in complete shock and awe--I had no idea it was even POSSIBLE to see the world any clearer. I was so used to seeing in the (imperfect) way I had seen for my first sixteen years of life, that I was completely oblivious to the fact that there was an alternate way that was even better. It was MINDBLOWING, and since that point, I've never wanted to settle for my old way of living without glasses. I couldn't imagine going to class squinting to barely read the chalk on the board, or walking around school without the the ability to recognize faces of people waving to me. Once I experienced life with glasses, I couldn't live my life without them.

I had a similar experience during OCR my junior year. OCR (Operation Campus Reach) is an initiative at HMCC where many undergraduate students gather a week before the new school begins to reach out to the incoming freshmen. I remember how that time of training and immediate application left an indelible mark in my view of the university. I came into college to earn my degree, make some friends, and bounce but during OCR I began seeing the university in a COMPLETELY different way. I saw the same buildings and classes as my mission fields, my chances to represent Christ, and I couldn't imagine living my life any other way. It was crazy.

Somehow since that moment 2.5 years ago when I began understanding what it meant to follow Jesus daily, I started losing the confidence I had in my mission. I wish I could say ever since that point, I never looked back and could not imagine my life without fulfilling the mission God has given me. But truth is, many times I looked back, around, and ahead--thinking about my previously self-seeking life, about the people around me who are finding security in other things, and about the things ahead that sometimes seem so much easier if I was just in control. Lord I want to be fit for your kingdom--help me not to put my hand to the plow and look back, but to be ALL IN, fully committed to this journey of following after you..

Hope for Mama Won

2011-03-29T12:29:00.003-04:00

I have had one terrible habit since the 5th grade of biting my nails--it's been such a prevalent part of my life for SO long that I legitimately feel like I am in bondage to this habit (dramatic, I know). It's even sillier how I got "pulled in": My older brother started biting his nails a few years before I did, and I remember thinking how STUPID it was for him to be unable to stop. So one day, I put one nail in my mouth JUST to see what the big deal was--'what could be so great about biting nails? it must be pretty good for him to not be able to stop..' and VOILA since that day twelve years ago, I couldn't turn back. I got a taste, a seemingly harmless taste, and was hooked. I don't even know why I keep doing it, but whenever my hands are free (ie: I'm thinking really hard on an exam, writing a paper, not wanting to engage in a conversation)--there goes my hand in my mouth. It's so dumb and I don't understand why I do it. I've even wondered if I'm stuck in the oral fixation stage that Freud mentions. I just don't know.

My relationship with my mom is an interesting one. Even though I am a fully grown 22 year old with a full-time job, my mom babies me like no other. I am a MG (momma's girl), and my friends all know it.

She disapproves of my decision to willingly live in Michigan (and frankly just doesn't understand why), but she will be visiting in a few weeks. I know I can't offer her much time, but one way I want to give her hope is by overcoming this terrible habit and show her some grown-up nails. Like I mentioned yesterday, I hate accountability but if I'm serious about keeping my commitments, I know it's necessary. So here we go, if you see me biting my nail, feel free to poke, comment, or give me a dirty look :T

P.S. I've had that DON'T DO IT | DO NOT BITE note on my computer since Day 1. It has yet to prove its effectiveness..

Accountability is annoying

2011-03-29T00:32:00.001-04:00

Straight up, acct is annoying. Like right now, I was set on going to bed after having finished the Bible study--until I got a reminder text from a friend about my commitment to reflect everyday. Without her persistent nagging and refusal to just let me off the hook, I would have mindlessly headed to bed. Even though I was annoyed at first, I knew deep inside that times like these when I don't want acct are the very times I need it the most.

Thanks God for the people who persistently and patiently hunted me down, forced me to seek Your face, and deal with my sins rather than pushing them under the rug (or worse, pretend like they don't exist).

I would have very easily given up following Jesus and headed down a destructive path if it hadn't been for people who made sure I was actually living out everything I claimed I wanted to.

Humbled that acct now comes not only from older sisters, but from hybrids, peers, former lcgs, and younger sisters :)

Racketball Sundays

2011-03-28T00:53:00.002-04:00

Ever since the fall when I received a racketball racket as a gift, I've reserved Sunday nights to relax, get some exercise, and catch up with Jenny. I know I don't like to take Sabbaths, but in many ways these racketball dates have served as a wonderful time for me to unwind from the packed weekend.

Racketball Sundays have been a fabulous leisurely activity, but the sport has also revealed things about my character. I had never played the sport before this year so Jenny, given her experience, defeats me 95% of the time. But out of the 95%, a handful of them are times when I was leading most of the game, but suddenly lost grip. I let her get one point, then begin freaking out and the domino effect of losing points begins. Discouraged, I often stop running completely and barely attempt to swing my racket. It's pathetic how much one lost point affects my whole game and I lose complete hope. Defeat is written all over my body, and it is game over, even with much room for catching up and redemption.

I wonder if this alludes to how I respond to sin in my life.

Will history repeat itself?

2011-03-27T02:02:00.002-04:00

In some ways, this first year as a working adult has been synonymous to my freshman year in college. Amongst the many great things I experienced then, I have also made some major mistakes that I wish I could take back.

I am hoping for the best that I've learned from those regrets, and that I will not let history repeat itself. I need wisdom and discernment right now..

(I don't know why that frying pan is there either)

Formative experiences

2011-03-26T07:29:00.001-04:00

Today was our last accessout of th year, which was so hard to believe. I feel like I've been brainstorming accessout ideas forever and frankly was super relieved to know I wouldn't have to come up with another fresh idea in a while.

Tonight we partnered with Erica's lifegroup as she hosted an RA event at north quad--the purpose of the night was to engage in purposeful dialogue with diverse individuals from the community by sharing formative life experiences that have shaped our worldview. What a wordy and schmancy way (haha i am good at that) to say we simply wanted to talk and get to know other people at the university.

It was great hearing about different experiences everyone had gone through, some more specific than others. Whenever I'm given the chance to share my life story, I wrestle with discerning how much would be appropriate given the circumstances. Of course keeping things hidden is never God's intention, but honoring people's time and being aware of the climate of the room always requires wisdom.

I'm not 100% sure if I shared "too much", but I think the best stories were the ones where the individual was to-the-point but specific enough to let God shine through the little details. As christ-follower, I think it's easy to accredit becoming a Christian as one of the most formative experiences of my life. But it's just so easy to hide behind the labels and not want to dig or elaborate any further. I hate labels and titles for that very reason, because there are always assumptions, stigmas, or expectations that come along with them.

Mah I am definitely falling asleep but I wanted to share a sketch that someone else in my group used to describe how his life has been changed since committing to a local church. More to come.

Blinded

2011-03-24T14:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was reading the story of a blind beggar who begs Jesus to have mercy on him (Luke 18:35-43). The crowd around him tells him to shut up, but the beggar insists and decides to shout even louder. Jesus heals the beggar to restore his sight, and everyone ends up praising God.

All it took was for the blind man to ask Jesus to heal him, and VOILA that was it.

Last night when I was praying with my lifegroup, one of the members was burdened for a non-believer in my lifegroup who has been present with us all throughout the year, but has been unresponsive to the gospel. He mentioned a passage God gave him, and how he feels like the god of this age (satan) has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel (2 Corinthians 4:5). Right before that time of prayer, I had met with my LCG (the non-believer) and when we were discussing the story of the blind beggar in Luke 18, she inquired why we don't see God working in our lives today. At first I sat there dumbfounded--all around me, I could see God working so evidently. People in our church were accepting Christ, people in our lifegroup who I thought would fall away first semester were coming back to the Lord, there was a tremendous amount of peace despite a father losing a job, areas of sin were being redeemed for His glory, the list went on and on. How is it that two people look at the same situation(s), but one sees God working and another doesn't?

Satan has surely blinded the minds of unbelievers to the light of the gospel. Satan you suck but you will not prevail. Earlier in Luke 18 (v1-8) is the parable of the persistent widow. If even a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought would grant this woman justice, why wouldn't our Lord Jesus, who came into the earth to seek and save the lost (Luke 19:10) bring salvation to our friends, right? Crying out until He grants justice..

Worship VIA creativity

2011-03-22T12:39:00.007-04:00

The publications team is the only ministry team I've been a part of in my four years at HMCC. Every year alot of things change (including the community that was built over a year in LG), but my MT has been one constant factor through my four-year journey of knowing Christ. Because of the consistency, I was able to build upon my relationships with others on the team and I am SO thankful for this opportunity to serve--I really praise God for the way He used this team to grow my heart for the local church and show me how I can administer grace in different ways. I cannot stop RAVING about how much serving on a ministry team has impacted my life as a Christ-follower.

Here are three reasons why I love serving on the publications team.

1) The transformation of this team displays God's power

MAN I still remember walking into my first meeting at a classroom in Mason Hall. It was the most awkward meeting i've ever been a part of--legit. I know there were efforts made to facilitate relationships, but I couldn't help but see my teammates as mere colleagues that I work with to "pump out" projects.

Fast forward four years--after numerous personal QT sharing, hot seats, dunkin donuts runs, awkward is the LAST word I would think of to describe this community. I think I broke out into tears in front of a group for the first time in this MT, and I've found our meetings to be such a safe place to honestly share how I was doing. I didn't have to worry about what others would think of me or try to play up to a title I had, and I just felt so free to be me. Sometimes that meant breaking out into tears, and sometimes it meant the wild NY came out. Whatever it was, I just felt so accepted and supported.

2) Serving on this team reminds me that skills alone are not enough

To be honest, there were many times I contemplated quitting. My natural tendency is to do things I'm good at, and to avoid things I'm weak in. Even though I joined the team because I had an interest in graphic design, I quickly learned that producing graphic design work for personal use was very different than for.. the glory of God. I couldn't just do what I knew how to do (or thought was aesthetically pleasing), but needed BIBLICAL inspiration. If I wasn't growing in my relationship with God, or if I didn't learn anything from the passage a sermon series was based on, I wasn't producing anything. The projects I've worked on that still leave me in awe are the ones where I have no idea how I ended up with the final product--the designs were truly inspired by the living Word of God and the HS, and God is the only one that can receive the credit.

Even though I am one of the "older" members on the team now, I still have moments where I want to quit. Objectively speaking, I have much less practical experience and training in the arts than many of my teammates. Though my pride is constantly begging that I do things I excel in, serving on pubs lets me boast in my weakness and leave room for God's grace to shine through. There is nothing like seeing fruit and confidently claiming it was ALL GOD.

3) Preparing for upcoming events grew my love for the local church

I think one of the pitfalls not growing up in a youth group is the tendency to overlook traditions or regular structures. I often rationalized not going to church on a Sunday by claiming I didn't need to be legalistic, or that my relationship with God didn't depend on meeting attendance. I valued meeting together on a Tues or Wed for small group Bible studies, but frankly didn't value meeting together as an entire church nearly to the extent that I should have.
Serving on pubs has helped me to care for the local church as a whole (not just my LG) because we were praying and preparing for church-wide events months before it was announced to the congregation. We started praying and preparing early so we could seek inspiration from the HS, and having been involved in-advance with the creative process for a student missions conference, Easter celebration, or baptism service have helped me to better understand why we do what we do.

OK wow I didn't mean to go that long but I'm just so thankful for the opportunity to serve alongside eight other designers who are all seeking ways to worship God VIA c r e a t i v i t y.

(wish i took a pic of our team motto before the giant binder clip got lost, but this shall do for now--the female designers)

When opposites attract

2011-03-21T03:13:00.000-04:00

This weekend has been one filled with many birthday celebrations--for one, I'm thankful for birthdays because it gives us, at the bare minimum, excuses to get together. More than that though, when I'm writing that card to the birthday gal or guy, it makes me reflect on our relationship and how much it has grown.

Last night as I was writing that note for my roommate Grace, I was just in awe over what I witnessed as a friend over the past year. Grace and I have known each other for 4.5 years, but we never REALLY got to know each other until two summers ago when we served side-by-side during a summer missions project. Our friendship began as we planned cooking lessons for underachieving youth in Detroit, woke up together to trek to morning prayer, and even shared a van ride to Austin and back. The more I interacted with her, the more I realized how different we were--hobbies, upbringing, strengths, favorite colors, you name it--in every way we were opposites. Truly the only commonality we had was our desire to love God more.

Having had nearly no common interests and vastly different schedules, Grace and I never had much time together to build our relationship. But MAN I can't believe I had the privilege of witnessing things in her life over the past year. Seeing her graduate from nursing school, pass her licensing exam, and get hired as a registered nurse have all been a complete GOD THING. Without having known her individual struggles and the things she was going through, I would not have been able to accredit all those things to sure signs of GG. Because even the struggles we went through were so different, often times I didn't even know how to respond or how to pray for her.. But MAN I'm so glad I didn't miss out on witnessing God carry out His promises through every trial that came her way.

Here's to another year of experiencing God's grace through our unexpected friendship!

Photo: The beginnings of our friendship via csmp physical training (on a rainy day hehe)

Dinner in the D

2011-03-18T17:30:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the chance to stick around in Detroit after work hours and enjoy the city with another hopeful believer. It's been hard to engage because of things I want to/need to do in Ann Arbor, but thankssss God for open Thursday evenings where we didn't have to be bound by time :D

Even though Anna and I have never really been consistent beyond our year as accountability partners four years ago (!) I really appreciate how we've been able to serve together over the years. This was probably the first time we had a one-on-one session in.. years, but it didn't feel like that at all.

Ok brain is going dead now. It's a sunny Friday afternoon and I am definitely the ONLY person in the office..

Unproductive

2011-03-16T16:34:00.005-04:00

Today was a slow day at work, which I haven't experienced since January when work became a whole another ballgame. Despite the free time, it's been hard for me to reflect today--something about not proDUCING anything makes me feel.. uneasy. I definitely depend on my results to define/affect my worth, which is NG. (Pic to my right is the wall I stare at in my lonely cubicle)

One exciting thing is that Lisa, a freshman from Northwestern that I met at the international student retreat a few weeks ago, is doing a one-day internship at the Detroit Symphony Orchestra, and stayed with me last night. Ann Arbor frequently gets visitors from the HMCC of Chicago, but it's very rare that they ever venture outside of our college campus to come see Detroit of all places. Last night after LG I picked up Lisa from the megabus station, got to know her more before I fell asleep prematurely (can't keep up with college students anymore), and this morning she accompanied me during my drive in. I don't know if she really meant it but apparently she liked the feel of downtown Detroit more than downtown Chicago... O_O

Tonight she'll be joining Jean for LG, Ann Arbor-style--praying she'll get drenched by the HS and experience the power of God in this place!

Living sacrifice

2011-03-14T10:01:00.006-04:00

Romans 12:1-2 is a familiar passage, one that I've memorized and recited in prayers on numerous occasions, but for some reason I had a hard time seeing how the two verses relate to one another (not just as separate entities). Yesterday I re-read the chapter in multiple translations, soughout desiringgod.org for Piper's insights, but still didn't come to a conclusion. I went snowboarding briefly in the afternoon and asked my friend on the lift chair for her thoughts. We didn't really come to a conclusion on the spot, but she apparently meditated on it last night, and sent me this email:

"In the OT, whenever sacrifices were made, they were burnt on the altar. They were literally burnt in fire. But you know what we do? we burn energy. As we move around, play sports, study, work, or even just by existing, we consume energy. By saying consuming energy, scientifically, it means that our body literally burns glucose (simple sugar) in mitochondria in our cells. No kidding. Burning in chemistry means carbon compound (sugar included) + oxygen, and that's what our body does when we consume energy. Even when we are not doing anything, like when ever sleeping, we still are burning energy.

By living in this world, just by existing here, I think we are being living sacrifices to this world. By conforming to this world, our lives are being burnt as sacrifice for the glory of this world, not of God. But the problem is, we live in this world, and it is IMPOSSIBLE for us not to conform to this world because it is inevitable that we burn our energy on this world. In the end this place is where we live.

Thus, we can't live our lives as living sacrifices presented to God with our own will only. It has to be done with God's help. So "let God transform you into a new person (verse 2 from NLT)." God has to transform us so our lives can be devoted to Him, because it is just inevitable for us to live according to the pattern of this world, burning our energy on worldly things, making ourselves willingly/unwillingly sacrifices given to this world. Once God makes us new, we learn to know how to live our lives on this earth, to glorify His name. Hence, once we are renewed by God, then we can finally be burnt as sacrifices to God, not to this world."

When I was reading her reflections this morning I couldn't help but walk with a HUGE grin on my face--my friend is a huge science nerd and God speaks to her and gives her revelations using scientific metaphors. I would have NEVER thought to explain being living sacrifices using glucose and mitochondria (that's the red loopy thing right?), but I was simply in awe as the Word of God came alive through this metaphor.

TYL for creating us SO uniquely and differently, where not a single person is a clone of another (which would honestly be a bore)--for giving us unique gifts, interests, and passions to faithfully administer your grace in its various forms. May You continue to renew our minds and change the way we think, so we may burn as living sacrifices for the name of Jesus.

Fearing man > God

2011-03-12T15:30:00.003-05:00

⁷ He revealed his character to Moses and his deeds to the people of Israel. ⁸ The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. ⁹ He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. ¹⁰ He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. ¹¹ For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. ¹² He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. (Psalm 103: 7-12)

One way (I thought) God had transformed me was by giving me the security to no longer strive for pleasing people around me. I remember when I first came to college, I was so determined to become the well-liked social butterfly that I never was growing up that I put on a whole new facade--from Day 1 in Michigan, I put on a false personality that I thought would win over more friends than the mellow NY that I used to be. Truth is, that strategy worked! But after I started following Christ, I wanted to embrace who I really was, in the way God created me--and people noticed. I remember all throughout sophomore and junior year, a plethora of people who knew me from freshman year came up to me to ask if I was doing OK--it was evident that I was no longer the rambunctious NY that I used to be. Anyway, so I thought I was over it! I thought I was no longer living to please man!

Recently God revealed a deep area of sin in my life that dates years back. PTL for showing me the real root causes (seriously), but when I first came to this wonderful (no sarcasm intended) conclusion, I just could not stand the thought of sharing it with anyone else. I was just so afraid of how the people I revealed this to would perceive me (and other parties involved) differently. Here I am, thinking I'm secure and no longer seeking the approval of man, but in actuality it was SO evident that I feared man's judgment more than I feared God. Makes me wonder how much I actually understand of God's perfect love. Do I really understand that I am LOVED by the King of Kings??

Last night at the all-nighter prayer, I had the chance to confess this (in all its rawness) to a younger sister. I honestly couldn't gather that courage to confess to other accountability partners in my life, but I'm so thankful that God has used her to set the bar on what it means to be vulnerable, shameless, and naked--not only before God himself, but even before one another. God help me to experience healing and exemplify true forgiveness as I continue to strive for holiness..

Happy birthday to me

2011-03-11T09:59:00.008-05:00

Four years ago on this day, I handed over the steering wheel of my life to Jesus

I still remember how I came home that night around 4am from Studio4, and had this odd compulsion to tell someone how I honest felt--unfortunately at that hour all I had was my personal xanga to turn to, and somehow during the hour-long reflection I confessed how this double life (being a good moral person externally but living a hidden hedonistic lifestyle) just didn't seem like "the way." Even though I wasn't a Christian, that year I had alot of truths spoken to me through my lifegroup (Sigma Zeta Delta), LCG (Jizzane), and church community (HMCC). I don't remember much from that year, but I do remember one truth: Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

Here I was, trying to live the best life I could with "best of both worlds"--being a good moral church-goer, while still living as the lord over my life, determined to build up the Won kingdom. It sounds so dramatic and silly but that's legitimately how much I thought my life was about me.

Recently I've been going through various ups and downs thinking about the people in my life who have been unwilling to take the initial step of surrendering to Jesus. Today as I looked back at the epic "I accepted Christ through xanga" post from 2007, I also ran into some interesting private posts in the weeks leading up to that day.

"things aren't as simple as i thought they were.. i long for so much more and yet at the same time i'm not willing to give things up.. i can't continue trying to live the best of both worlds forever.. give it up ny, s u r r e n d e r.." - Feb 17, 2007

"been feeling really down lately. as i was reviewing for my psych exam this week i was kinda scared by my connection to the warning signs of suicide--loss of interest in activities that were once important, persistent feelings of gloom and helplessness, marked changed in personality. i hate my life. okay no just kidding i've really been blessed--but looking at all the things i've been blessed with, i wonder why my life is still so unsatisfying. i have a wonderful and loving family. i'm doing fine academically. i've made a number of amazing friends. i have enough money to buy the things i need. I KNOW WHAT I NEED IN MY LIFE BUT I HAVE NO HEART. no desire. well i do have desire. but i'm still not willing. this sucks." - March 5, 2007

I think that last sentence means I realized I needed Jesus, but wasn't willing to let him at that time (haha).

I can't believe I've been on this incredible journey of knowing Christ for the past four years. Lord, thank you for saving me from the path of destruction and giving me the privilege of being a part of a grandiose plan to advance the name of Jesus.. To You be ALL THE GLORY

Being a good steward

2011-03-10T15:56:00.003-05:00

After my parents moved to Korea, my taste for flying diminished greatly. Something about being stuck in a confined space and sitting on your butt for 14+ hours does NOT appeal to me. Although I hate flying, one thing that makes the experience a little better is the airline carrier. Asian airlines just have a different expectation of customer service, and the World Airline Awards say it all.

Today's Bible reading was from Malachi 3, the well-known passage about tithing. Given my very cautious money saving tendencies, the concept of budgeting never really crossed my mind until a few months ago when I started my first full-time job and became financially independent. I remember talking with Moses once and one website he shared with me about money management while giving to God's Kingdom really left an impression.

When I think about good stewardesses on my favorite airline, a couple things stand out: They don't just do the bare minimum--the bare minimum that i expect when flying is that i get from point A to point B safely, and on-time. But good stewardesses are always looking for ways to serve me, and to maximize my happiness (asking if my coat should be hung, offering an extra pillow, even providing seat stickers to indicate if i'd like to be woken up for a meal).

When I think about being a good steward for God, I wonder if I'm really going that second mile.. Am I really willing to do anything and everything to give him pleasure, or am I just doing the minimum to meet the federal regulations? God promises in v10 that if I bring to him what I have, he will "throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that (i) will not have enough room for it."

Being able to give this year (aka actually having the income to give) has been SUCH a tremendous JOY and hands-down my favorite aspect about working life. Even though it wasn't much, if God hadn't given me the opportunity to support a sister to go to Chile for short-term missions or a pastor's family in their first year as missionaries, I would have missed out BIG time--missed out on knowing my small investment was a part of the healing, freedom, and miracles that God performed. God didn't need me but man what a privilege it was to be able to give and to be used. LORD help me to be a good steward of the gifts you have given me, and continue to show me that it is forsURE a bigger blessing to give than to receive.

For the next forty days..

2011-03-09T10:13:00.002-05:00

I'm committing to reflecting every single day :o

When I was thinking about things in my life that deter me from focusing on Christ, I couldn't help but think about my love for busy-ness and packing my schedule with "productive" activities and meetings. Especially after I started working full-time, it's been incredibly easy for me to go a whole day without reflecting on how God has been at work in my life. I am a complete Martha in my natural character, but I want to be more like Mary and learn how to chill at the feet of Jesus. Stopping everything I'm doing (leaving the inbox, calendar, and sports equipment) and simply thinking about how Jesus is involved and working in my life right now could be extremely beneficial :)

Another area I'm working on in my life is learning how to communicate my thoughts visually. I love using words (and praise God, I think He has given me the ability to communicate effectively in words) but thinking in images just don't come naturally for me. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given to grow in this area through the Publications (graphic design) team at HMCC (my team leader is the total opposite and definitely thinks in images hah), but I want to put myself in these growth opportunities by making my reflections a photoblog for the next forty days.

So here we go.. daily reflections on how Jesus is involved and at work in my life, all so I can fix my eyes on Jesus, the "author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:2)!

My Pre-Christian Life

2010-09-06T13:04:00.000-04:00

-I recently had a chance to reconnect with friends from the PHS Class of 2006, many of whom I had not seen or spoken to in four years. I ended up writing this one extensive letter to a friend about how CRAZY my life has been in college, which obviously involved the story of how I became a Christian. So here we go, the testimony of how I came to know Christ :P-

I came into college just wanting to live the life I've always wanted to live, apart from restrictions and previous conceptions of who people expect me to be, and the like.. Just came in to do well in school, make some solid friends, and bounce--but MAN my life got flipped upside down in my time here, largely because at the end of my freshman year I decided to commit my life to following Jesus.

No God?
I grew up in an atheist/agnostic family--never even considered the existence of a God (yet alone feel the need to live my life for this so-called higher being). Then in high school I started asking myself some big questions like "What is the purpose or meaning of my life?" and felt an empty void in my heart even though I felt like I had everything I could ask for (good grades, family, friends, etc). That's when some of my friends suggested that what I was missing was this three letter word I constantly shrugged off (G-O-D). From the first time I stepped into a church building my sophomore year in HS, I always had the desire to learn more about this so-called God but never found it to be personally relevant. I would hear the same things like Jesus died for your sins, God loves you, repent for your sins, etc--but it never really clicked.

Passion
My first year in college I somehow ended up in a church (c'mon who comes to college with the intention of getting more religious), and not just any church but a church made up of people who were radically living for Jesus. I would walk into a Friday gathering and half the room would be raising their hands and passionately worshiping this Jesus-figure I had only heard of; people would pray desperate, zealous prayers on my behalf; people would give sacrificially of their time, resources, and even their plans to serve others and build up the church. It was CRAZY! I didn't know what was compelling them to live such passionate and radical lives, but whatever it was, I wanted in. They just seemed so sure, so confident of what they were living for.

Grace
I didn't know what it meant to be saved or what it meant to even have a personal relationship with Jesus until someone asked me if I knew for sure I'd go to heaven if I were to die tonight. When they asked me what I would say if God asked me why He should let me into heaven, my immediate responses were 'Um well I've been a good person all my life--I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't drink THAT much.. C'mon, why WOULDN'T I go to heaven?' I soon found out salvation wasn't based on how good of a life I lived, but by merely accepting the fact that Jesus Christ died for all my sins of the past, present, and future--and resurrected from the dead to give me eternal life. It all seemed so simple, too good to be true--why would anyone say no to this free gift?!! So I said yes to having Jesus reign as the King over my life and it's been a CRAZY three years since.

What amazes me over and over again is how there have been so many seemingly "little" events that led me to the current stage I am in now of joyfully and victoriously submitting my life to Jesus. One specific example is regarding a book called the Purpose Driven Life. During the summer days when I went to B&N everyday to run through every SAT practice exam, I stumbled across a book in the bestseller section. I had never heard of it before but started reading the synopsis on the back--it started with a statement "Are you looking for your purpose in life??" "UM YES?!!" I bought the book, finished the whole thing, and didn't think much of it. Years later, I found out I read The Purpose Driven Life by a well-known Christian pastor named Rick Warren.

Many more of these specific stories are listed on the bottom of my previous post. Ask me to elaborate if you want to hear more :)

Surrendering my career

2010-05-04T01:26:00.003-04:00

"Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

The concept of surrendering my career never made much sense to me because I've always known what I wanted to do, and was perfectly en route to achieving it. I thought I was better than everyone else for knowing what I wanted to do. In all frankness, I just thought I was awesome and gave myself credit for every accomplishment in my life.

When God directly confronted me last year with how much I had been living for myself, I made all excuses to rationalize and justify myself. Somehow God changed my heart to be willing to let go of my perfect plan and insured that I would never find the type of security and identity that I found through a job title or company reputation. He took me through a whole year of rejections and dejected moments so that I would learn what it means to be satisfied with merely having a relationship with the God of the universe, not just praising Him or wanting Him when he would give me something in my life (no matter how spiritual or "good" these things were).

When things just didn't go my way this past year, I raised the white flag and asked that He would become the true LORD over my life (including my post-grad plans). I made the decision to stay in Ann Arbor after I graduated, thinking that I had to put my career on-hold if I wanted to obey God. Little did I know that what God was calling me to do was tightly interlinked with my career goals and ambitions.

If you asked me a year ago what my dream job would be, I would naively (but confidently) tell you that I wanted to be a brand manager at a big company in downtown Chicago. It was a petty dream that I built myself and set my heart on. When I finally let go of my career to God, He gave me a long-term vision that I would have NEVER found on my own--the desire to be working in education management, marketing educational opportunities as ways for students to grow personally and discover their passions. He revealed to me my heart for college students and desire to be involved in their lives as an influential figure.

What's so awesome about this new ambitious dream I have of someday running the business school is that it's so interlinked with my testimony of how I came to believe in Jesus as my Lord & Savior. College is the time that I came to discover my identity, interests, and passions--and that only came as I acknowledged my creator for the very first time and got to know Him & His plans for me. I finally sought advice from the author of my life story, rather than trying to write the best, picture perfect story of my life (on my own).

I can't believe I graduated college with a BBA, but without a job--and was perfectly OKAY with it. From the moment I stepped onto this campus, I was told that I am one of the leaders and the best, and even the best of the best as a student in the business school. Because of this, I felt entitled to a prestigious job offer and found it even more mind-boggling that God wouldn't BLESS ME with SOMETHING (ANYTHING) after I had made the difficult decision to surrender my post-grad plans. I am superbly thankful for the entire year of testing (and constantly questioning the worth of following Jesus) because if it weren't for this humbling experience, I would take all the credit for any job opportunity that opened up, thinking it was my awesome resume or interviewing skills that made me deserving of the position.

Well here's the big news: I HAVE A JOB.
A job that fits with my career goals (marketing in the short-term, education management in the long-term) AND desire to be involved with the community that let me experience FREEDOM, JOY, and ETERNAL SATISFACTION (working in Ann Arbor/Detroit).

I DIDN'T DESERVE IT, BUT I JUST HAVE IT. This is God's Grace (GG)!!!

The climax of my academic career

2010-04-17T23:17:00.003-04:00

This weekend I not only closed out my time with my spiritual family in Ann Arbor, but also my academic pursuits as a student at the Michigan business school.

Since January 2010, I was a part of a multi-disciplinary Social Entrepreneurship course where I worked with five other graduate & undergraduate students in launching C2A2 (Community Cars Ann Arbor), a peer-to-peer car-sharing program that provides societal & environmental impact through the sharing of resources.

I never imagined myself to be an entrepreneur, but this was undoubtedly the climax of my academic experience in college because I was challenged to take everything I learned and apply it into launching an actual business. I not only used concepts from my past experiences in marketing, but even the foundations of business I was required to learn in my curriculum and never imagined would ever become useful.
From using Excel spreadsheets for financial projections to understanding different partnership laws and forms of incorporation, I was astounded that the dreadful parts of the BBA curriculum were actually key skills I needed in running a business.

Regardless of the degree of passion you have for entrepreneurship and/or using business to address issues in society, I would highly recommend ENGR490.009 for any undergraduate or graduate student at the University of Michigan. A great course to conclude your academic program and test everything you have learned! Check out socialventurecreation.com for more information :)

Here are five reasons why this was the climax of my academic career.
Why I would recommend this course:
1) Multi-disciplinary teams
After three years working with like-minded students in the same program, it was extremely enlightening to hear different opinions from my teammates with perspectives in design, engineering, and more.

2) Working with grad students
I will never forget the time my team was preparing for an in-class debate. Instead of scoping for the high school debate champion (the undergrad way to approach this situation), a grad student on my team proposed the idea of having the person who felt least comfortable with debating represent our team. Rather than being concerned about the end result, he wanted this to be a learning experience for us to work on our areas of improvement.

3) Testing & defending everything you learned
As the sole representative on my team with a marketing background, I was challenged to defend anything I proposed. I could no longer just rely on a theory or concept mentioned in class as justification, but was challenged explain its value to those who had no exposure to these concepts prior.

4) Connecting with industry experts
The course was led by Moses Lee & Nick Tobier, two lecturers passionate about changing the world through business & design. Not only that, we constantly worked with people from a design firm, base of the pyramid initiatives, lawyers, and other individuals passionate about social entrepreneurship.

5) Applying every concept to a real-life situation
The best thing about this class is that work we did never ended after our final presentation or paper submission, but involved a real-life situation that we wanted to see happen regardless of the course boundaries.

If you'd like more information about the course or my team project, please do not hesitate to contact me (nwon@umich.edu) or Moses Lee (moseslee@umich.edu)!

One lesson I learned from college

2010-04-17T19:36:00.006-04:00

This past weekend I was able to close out my CRAZY unexpected four years in college by standing in front of HMCC, the place where I became a Christian and learned how to follow Jesus. For those that couldn't be there, let me take this chance to boast to everyone on the world wide web :)

As I reflect on my time in college, one lesson God has taught me is how every sacrifice I made was in fact no sacrifice at all.

Growing up in an agnostic family, the thought of a higher-being never even crossed my mind for most of my life. When I came to college and was prompted with the question “If you were to die tomorrow, would you know for sure you’d go to heaven?”, this Jesus figure became relevant in my life for the very first time. After months of weighing the pros and cons of handing over my life to someone else, I committed to follow Christ at the end of my freshman year (through Xanga) but could not shake the fact that I had to sacrifice my old lifestyle. Even when I became a Christian, I didn’t really know what it meant to follow Christ –all I remember from my freshman year is that if I wanted to follow Jesus, I had to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him (Matthew 16:24-25). The fact that if I tried to save my life, I would lose it—but if I lost my life for Christ, I would find it—didn’t make any sense to me. But seeing that my worldly success left me unsatisfied compelled me to give this paradoxical Truth a chance.

A friend of mine once described the Bible as a GPS that can help people navigate through life. Even though I received this GPS as a gift three years ago, I rarely actually used the GPS for what it was capable of, because I still trusted in my own experiences and abilities as reliable sources. I accepted Jesus as my Savior but refused to make Him my Lord, largely because my entire life of doing things out of my own power and efforts led me to good results (when I took every SAT practice exam I could scavenge, I got the score I wanted—when I revised my resume over and over, I got the internships I hoped for). When God challenged me last summer to give up the internship I felt like I had worked all my life for, I couldn’t help but ask, ‘WHY GOD?! WHY THIS SUMMER OF ALL SUMMERS?! Why can’t I just participate in missions NEXT summer, when I already have a job secured and have a whole summer to spare?!’ It all seemed like too much of a sacrifice at the time, but God miraculously changed my heart to obey. After almost an year of questioning the worth of that “sacrifice”, I can confidently stand here today to tell you that every bit of it was worth it—not just in the way that the summer challenged my understanding of what Jesus means to me, but even in the way God used specific instances to reveal new personal passions and redirect my career pursuits.

God, I praise You because You have finally taken the driving wheel and become Lord over my life. I thank You for every little sacrifice You’ve challenged me to make—my pre-Christian way of life, my one summer week to reach out to new students (OCR), my summer to be discipled through the CSMP, and even my future plans after graduation. As I made small steps of obedience and stopped making my own turns, You have shown me a new way of life—a life where I don’t need to feel the pressure or burden of getting lost, but one where I can fully trust in my handy dandy GPS that will lead me to the final destination without a doubt, every time. Praise the Lord for saving me my freshman year, flipping my life upside down, and using me to share the awesome news of our Lord JC!!

Honesty

2010-02-23T14:21:00.004-05:00

If you're my friend, teammate, lifegroup member (or you have any context with me at all), I've probably hurt you. I've probably hurt you in the way I approached you, made you into an agenda, or seemed disinterested in our friendship at times when we weren't being "purposeful". I probably gave you the idea that I didn't value our time together unless we were doing something "productive"--and in all honesty, you were right--you read right through me, and knew exactly what I was thinking.

Ever since experiencing God (personally) for the first time three weeks ago, I've seen how my skewed relationship with God has affected so many other parts of my life. Before, I saw having a relationship with God as a list of tasks--in my warped point of view and biases of being an already-too-task-minded person, if I wanted to know God, I needed to read the Bible, persevere in prayer, get involved in biblical community, and serve the church. If I did all these things, then I would know God. I did this (faithfully) for three years and never experienced nor knew God personally. I never simply enjoyed spending time with Him and only found ways to be pleased with Him when there were good results to show for it. Similarly, I never found any humanly relationship to be satisfying unless there was some "good" that came from it.

Through this journey of following Christ, I began developing this distorted view of the gospel, where everything became about works. A few months ago, someone asked me "How have you experienced God's grace personally?" and all I could muster up was "Um, Jesus? I mean, God saved me by grace, right?" The truth was: I had never experienced grace beyond my salvation. I had never experienced the freedom, inexpressible joy, and satisfaction of knowing Christ. I saw following Christ as a burden, and found no joy as I "died to myself" by willpower. As much as I claimed to love Jesus with my involvement in the church, I never really loved Jesus for more than His mere death on the cross.

I thought once I was saved, that was it.

"Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

I never worked out my salvation with fear and trembling. Once I had my salvation, I sat with it on the couch--reading the Bible, trying to pray, or seeking biblical accountability. In doing all these Christianity things, I did everything BUT seek CHRIST Himself, unwilling to admit that I never experienced grace, freedom, even love. I tried to hide my honest burdensome outlook of being a Christian by masking it with outwardly "holy" things, when in reality I never understood why anyone would choose this way of life. But the moment I fessed up to it & admitted it before God, He overwhelmed me with something I had never experienced, never even HEARD of before.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself, be honest with God.

Delirious

2010-02-16T13:38:00.007-05:00

delirious (adj): marked by uncontrollable excitement or emotion; ecstatic; filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy (1 peter 1:8); me

I don't think I had a personal relationship with God until 2 weeks ago.

There have been a lot of formative moments and experiences in the past 6 years of me considering the existence of a higher-being, 3 yrs of being a Christian, 1 year of living by faith, 6 months of serving on church leadership, 1 month of dire circumstances, each of which have been challenged and supported by specific instances in my life.*

But it's only been 2 weeks of finding pure joy, satisfaction, and freedom in Christ (alone). Though it's been 6 years since I first stepped into a church building and 3 years since I accepted Christ, I was always afraid to admit that I didn't know what grace, freedom, repentance, or Jesus meant--in terms other than the ones I had heard or read--it was always a theory and never a reality in my own life. After years of doing church (going, reading, praying, seeking), I couldn't fess up to say that I didn't actually know God. But here it is: I didn't understand the concept of pure repentance or the role of Jesus in my life (not just God) until 2 weeks ago.

I've been trying to share this amazing realization of experiencing God's promises first-hand for the first time in my life, constantly left speechless and delirious for this inexpressible joy I can personally testify to now. I haven't found the most efficient way to share all the fine details in the depth which God deserves the glory for. But if you're discouraged right now about your ministry, family, future, or even your own relationship with God, I hope you can tell from my insufficient words above that God is real, active, and living amongst us.

Ask me about anything if any of what I'm saying sounds vague or unclear, as I would absolutely love to boast about God all the more! PRAISE THE LORD JESUS for this inexpressible joy, freedom, and satisfaction :)

-NY

*Key words of formative experiences in the past six years of seeking God (feel free to ask me about these): Paramus High girls basketball team, menstrual cycle, Purpose Driven Life, Barnes & Noble, PCNJ, college life, HMCC, Sigma Zeta Delta, LCG, Experiencing Membership, Necto, Xanga, reoccuring dreams, smoking, Community Summer Missions Project, career idols, Unilever, Team Community, Leadership Team, BBA, Google, lifegroup

Overwhelmed

2010-01-13T01:46:00.003-05:00

It's been three days since I've been back.
I came in scared, feeling unprepared as ever.
Once I got here, I was overwhelmed. I couldn't believe I was being left alone to do this. I was lost, confused, without direction nor conviction.

I still don't know what I'm doing, but God NEVER fails to give me much more than I ever deserve. NEVER NEVER NEVER. Through the disappointments and doubts, the only thing sustaining me right now is Acts 20:24
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."

Nayoung if you ever forget, if you ever get discouraged, if you ever lose hope or purpose for your life, remember why you're still here. To testify to the gospel of God's grace, and be His beautiful feet that will bring good news.

God give me a vision that's bigger than my petty dreams.

I forget too easily

2009-10-21T15:58:00.002-04:00

Lord expose my sinfulness once again..

Summer of 2009

2009-08-08T22:51:00.003-04:00

This summer I did something so vastly different from everything else in my life--something so against my flesh and my selfish desires. Instead of taking that prized internship in Chicago that had actually become a reality, God was convicting me to commit my summer to serving the Ann Arbor-Detroit area through the community summer missions project through hmcc.

From the first week of May until this past Tuesday, I've been trained to grow in my spiritual disciplines as we went to morning prayer, memorized the book of Philippians, studied the Word, and learned to share the Gospel. Through our various fieldwork at an inner-city high school in Detroit, the international community in Ann Arbor, an underprivileged group of children at the Bryant Community Center, and even through visiting the HMCC of Austin--I learned about God's sovereignty, His love for His people, and His desires for us to live every moment of our lives to give glory to His name. In the process, he directly addressed my personal issues with pride, and humbled me as He revealed to me of the sins in my life. To see that God was using me to share the Gospel and minister to people even when I was failing, disobeying, and so sinful--was a true testament of God's grace in my life. I now see it as a great privilege to partake in the great things He is doing in the Ann Arbor-Detroit area this summer.

For me, the hardest part is translating the ONE THING from this summer to KNOW GOD and to make him known--into an active part, the core ingredient, and the driver of my final year as an undergrad and more importantly, my life after graduation. I still feel as if I have a very worldly approach in my life after graduation, particularly being trained in the Ross BBA culture that we are truly the "best of the best" and should all strive to be the best individuals in corporate America.

I can confidently say that God has brought me through this summer of challenges and learnings so that I may love Him more and surrender (more of) my life to my Lord and my Savior. Even though it's scary to look ahead and daunting to think of following Christ even against worldly oppression, I hold onto the hope that the same God that has saved me and blessed me in the past twenty-one years will continue the good work He has started in me.

To senior year and beyond--

NY

Why I love being a BBA

2009-04-20T15:43:00.005-04:00

Is it wrong for me to actually be enjoying the BBA program?

Junior year in the business school was hard, with internship recruiting practically being another three-credit class, and group meetings for projects filled in every hour of your day. But to be frank, I came to LOVE my life as a BBA this year, largely due to the relationships that were built AS a RESULT of these sicknasty group projects.

LAST YEAR, I had zero friends in the bschool, aside from the few that I had known prior. I LOVE my buds from all the project groups, the same 60 faces that I see in my section, the same five faces that I see at every interview.. which even culminated to my new involvement on the exec board for the BBA Marketing Club next year. I'm really excited to be serving on leadership for the Mkt Club especially because these five other seniors on the eboard are all people that I know, but never even interacted with. I LOVE BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS, and I LOVE THAT THEY'RE SO DIFFERENT FROM ME. I love hearing about their involvement with UMDM, the Ross Student Government, or their Greek systems. CREATIVE ABRASION PREVAILS!

I also love how practical our curriculum is--this semester has been filled with analyzing any business or organization you want and using course concepts to make it better. I LOVE IT! Every time I'm waiting in line at the ridiculous YOGOBLISS, I can't help but think about all the ways that we can reduce Tq (wait time)! BUSINESS IS ALL AROUND, AND I LOVE THAT.

Here's a tribute to all the groupwork that has led to many new relationships this year!

The hardest of hearts

2009-03-03T00:43:00.005-05:00

God can change even the hardest of hearts.

For weeks, I was in denial. I wrestled with God and didn't want it to be true. I didn't pray because I knew what I was supposed to do, but didn't want to hear what He wanted to say. (FYI: Intentionally not praying when you need to make decisions is just about the dumbest thing you can do). To be completely honest, I secretly hoped that my parents would refuse to sign the consent form (messed up, I know). If anything, through this painful decision-making process, I realized how messed up and manipulative I could be..

Even when I refused and turned away, I knew deep inside what to do. Not the dream internship that I had worked towards, but what I really desired for the coming summer was to learn to love Jesus more and experience His love for me more--so much that I would no longer need to rely on the securities of this world--not a dream job, nor approval from my peers. I'm trusting and believing with (oh so little) faith that even without taking an internship this summer, God will provide another opportunity if He really desires for me to be a Brand Manager.

So when things get difficult and I start doubting if I made the right decision, remember that no matter how much I think my way would have been better, only the Lord gives the right answer and I KNOW what the right answer is (Proverbs 16:1). Stop being foolish and being in denial. Let go for once and let Him take over.

Here's to Your future (not mine)

-NY

2008.

2008-12-24T09:04:00.002-05:00

What did 2008 mean for me? The year of a surprisingly awesome summer in Chicago interning at Leo Burnett, the entrance into the dreaded Junior year at the business school, with corporate presentations every week and constant visits to career counselors and communication consultants in effort to perfect every bit of the recruiting process, from my resume to cover letters to interviewing skills. Also the year that I realized different and good were not mutually exclusive things (ie: JCrew small group last year), and I really learned what it means to have a missional mindset on and off the court.

To be frank, I don’t remember what the first half of 2008 was like, largely because I moved on to a new journal in the second half of the year. But what I do remember doing for months is asking God for a greater heart for His lost people, for my heart to break at the sight of those who do not know Christ—and mostly for my own family members. Something about not spending eternity in heaven with my parents did not seem right, yet I felt no urgency to share the Gospel with them. So I asked God for that greater burden for months, and went into Junior year with several days of OCR (Operation Campus Reach) training at my church in Ann Arbor.

In short, OCR changed my life. I realized how much I had been dichotomizing my life in and outside the church, not only in my behavior, but also in my mindset. Within the boundaries of life group, I knew I was supposed to try to “reach out” to my classmates, dormmates, and the like, but this only briefly crossed my mind when my leaders announced we would be having a Thanksgiving Outreach Dinner. Simply said, ministry was limited to times I dedicated to church activities. However, OCR challenged me to fuse every part of my life together—my spiritual life (ie: life group), personal life (ie: going to the gym), and academic/professional life (ie: bschool peers). Sharing the Gospel or talking about spiritual things was no longer confined to group outreaches around campus, or long meals with my accountability partner.

Soon after, I copped an opportunity talking to the card swiper at the CCRB (gym), a friend of a friend I had just met at Meijer (grocery store), and a classmate that just wanted to know where I was disappearing off to every Wednesday night from 6 to 10PM. In all, I realized there are plenty of people all around us who are more than willing to come out to church or learn about Christianity, if only we asked. Here I am, thinking to myself that no one wants to hear this good news, and fearing rejection. But God is still moving when we don’t know it, and He has already prepared a harvest that just needs to be reaped. A new meaning of “It’s not about me” defined.

All this sounds great, but why is it so much easier for me to practice this to strangers whom I barely know? Why have I been home for a week already and never revved up the nerve to share the Gospel message with my parents? My only fear is that the next two weeks will fly by and I will leave home once again without having said a word to my own mother about how Jesus changed my life. In the meantime, please pray for boldness on my behalf..

Reoccuring Dreams

2008-07-14T13:37:00.001-04:00

To dream that you are smoking, indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in.

Identity Crisis

2008-06-18T16:11:00.003-04:00

As some of you know, I recently unofficially adopted "Jamie" as my American name, mainly because I felt that my Korean name was a hindrance to meeting new people (especially in my classes). So when I started working at Leo Burnett, I introduced myself as Jamie to all the fellow interns. But because all of my legal forms still said Nayoung, I ended up introducing myself as Nayoung to my co-workers in the Hallmark account, so somehow I ended up with two different names at LB.

In all honesty, I have to admit that I hated blending in and getting lost in the sea of Christinas, Sarahs, and Kellys. It just didn't seem the same when I introduced myself as "Jamie like a Jingle" rather than "Nayoung like a Nail clipper" (in an icebreaker). I miss my old name, and I miss how I was the only Nayoung that anyone ever knew.

I am slowly learning to embrace my uniqueness, and not being ashamed of it. It's a constant struggle, but I am finally accepting and loving myself in God's image, even though that might mean that I'm different from the crowd. And ya'll know how I always condemn myself for being such a people-pleaser.. :P

Teeny-bopper at heart

2008-06-17T11:58:00.003-04:00

It's a bit embarrassing to admit now as a college junior, but I am still a teeny-bopper at heart. Yesterday, I found out that Jesse McCartney aka the "Beautiful Soul" everyone was obsessed with 3 summers ago, the cute guy from Summerland, and the former member of DREAM STREET, was IN THE SAME BUILDING AS ME, GIVING A PRIVATE CONCERT. WHAT THE HECK.

So my workplace has these things called Artist in Residence where they have random artists come in to perform for us. They told us that many of these performances are low-key and that we usually won't find out about them until the of--but clearly EVERYONE here knew about it except for me. My fellow interns casually brought it up in a meeting and I started FREAKING out at the thought that I could have met him/had him serenade me in person! GOSH. No one thought I would be interested, considering that most of the people who went to see him were 8-12 year old children whose parents work at Leo Burnett. AHHHHHHHHH!!!

So after work, I went down to the room where he performed, and waited in the hallway (the concert was way over) assuming that he would have to come out to go to the bathroom SOMEtime. Then someone told me that only the band was rehearsing, so I went home. And then my roommate told me she had heard he was giving another concert at 6PM! But of course by then it was already too late :(

Here is a pathetic video of me standing in the hallway, as I wait for Jesse McCartney to come out. You can even hear me whimper for a couple seconds hahaha.

DID YOU KNOW?: Jesse McCartney is currently trying to reach an older fan-base, and he actually co-wrote Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love, alongside OneRepublic's Ryan Tedder! IMPRESSIVE!

When I hesitate..

2008-06-11T01:54:00.003-04:00

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9

Another Truth from today's Bible Study:
God is bigger than man. So who are you fearing more?

More lengthy post to come.

One of Ten

2008-06-09T09:53:00.005-04:00

First out of 10 weeks here has already come and gone. Weekend ended up being surprisingly good, as I explored the city. I love walking on Wacker and Michigan Ave, seeing the bridge go up, and being immersed in the crazy Chicago Gotham City-like architecture. Got to meet up with Jackie, a former Sigma to explore the Bean like tourists, went to the beach at night with my sg, and pigged out at Ribfest with some fellow dormmates. Also tried tapas for the first time in Lincoln Park with Pru (YESSSS), went to the Chicago Blues Festival to see BB King live, and had Berry Chill fro-yo with some chill kids. OH AND I FINALLY HAD GARRETT POPCORN.. ZZOMG SO GOOD

Oh andddddddd my roommate finally came! She is very nice and I am excited to spend the next nine weeks with her :)

Pictures to come as soon as I get internet on my computer (this one from my phone shall suffice for now)

Lovin' the Windy City (now I finally get why it's called the Windy City.. I thought I was going to topple over the other day!)

Why I Love My Employer

2008-06-07T00:48:00.003-04:00

So apparently Leo Burnett has this thing called Summer Hours every Friday. Knowing how busy things can get in this industry, our generous employer allows all employees to head home after 1PM every Friday during the summer. How glorious is that? So I came home early, went running, and did some shopping before small group! Hollaaa.

Week 1 of 10 is already complete. I am really beginning to like Chicago (possible prospect after graduation? hmm?) and would love to work for a company like Burnett later on.

Burnett + Art Institute dorms = Awesome Chicago Experience for NY :)

And just when you least expect it..

2008-06-04T14:52:00.003-04:00

Today I went down to the food court with another intern and as I opened my box of sushi, I hesitated. Feeling as if there were too many eyes on me (I only ate with one other person -_-), I questioned whether I should pray before my meal, in fear of social rejection. After I prayed, she asked me if I was a Christian, and I awkwardly responded that I was. Then she said, "Finally! What a relief to know that there are other Christians!" WHAT THE..

I couldn't believe it. Here I was, sitting with a co-worker that I had simply exchanged cordial greetings with, now talking about God haha. Even though I was scared and honestly did NOT want to pray, God used a habitual thing like that to open up opportunities for me to invite her to small group and share my faith. Crazy how He works when you least expect it.

Differently the Same

2008-06-04T10:08:00.001-04:00

Last night I had the opportunity to join in on the Kickoff Dinner of HMCC's UIC summer small group. Having been in isolation for the past two days, I was so relieved to be welcomed into their small group with warm greetings. I met some cool people, ate some good pasta with CHICKEN (college students in AA can't afford to put chicken in their pasta), and played some nice rounds of Mafia and Killer. I think it's amazing how HMCC connects people everywhere, even when you end up in a city that you barely know.

The people in KAIROS (I believe that's what they're called) were really friendly to me, but being placed in a small group that has already been together for a year reminded me of what it's like for a newcomer. Now I know how much of an effort I must make next year, when we have new people join us in JCrew :P.

I have to admit though, after not being a freshman for a year, it was pretty weird being served haha..

My first day as a city girl

2008-06-03T10:31:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I woke up bright and early in my empty apartment, put on my favorite pair of slacks and new blazer to walk into 35 W Wacker. Walking into my first day at Leo Burnett, I was determined to take advantage of every interaction. Normally silent in foreign situations, I gathered the nerve to talk to the girl in the elevator that looked like a fellow intern. She turned out to be an account management intern on the Samsung account, and I had the opportunity to talk to her while we waited on the couches, rather than pretending to be preoccupied on my Blackberry.

Orientation ran until 1PM, but I really enjoyed the corporate culture. The advertising industry is known to have long, pressure-filled hours, but LB tries to give their employees a good balance between work and personal life. From their casual dress code (I can basically wear whatever I would wear back home to work) to the colorful modern furniture, I am really digging it here. They even have free beverages in the fridge mostly Coca-Cola products and Miller beer (they're our clients) haha.

When I first found out that I was assigned to the Hallmark account, frankly I was a bit disappointed. Out of all their cool clients like P&G, Samsung, Kellogg's, Nintendo, and Blackberry, why did I have to get a greeting card company right? I spent most of the day yesterday reading past competitive reports/summaries and checking out some websites online, and I have to admit, this is pretty cool. LB has made some tight ads for Hallmark, most of which are funny (to my surprise).

So the interesting thing about Hallmark is, our main competitors aren't other card distributers like American Greetings, but rather the evolving forms of communication through today's technology. I mean, why buy a greeting card when you can connect with your friends and family with more immediate forms of communication, right? A short email. A punctual voicemail. An abbreviated txt. In efforts to alleviate this problem, Hallmark began producing cards with sound. Alot of the neat commercials I saw encompassed this product, and after watching the ads I actually wanted to go out and buy them! Haha check out this Father's Day commercial below.