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Happy birthday to me

Four years ago on this day, I handed over the steering wheel of my life to Jesus

I still remember how I came home that night around 4am from Studio4, and had this odd compulsion to tell someone how I honest felt--unfortunately at that hour all I had was my personal xanga to turn to, and somehow during the hour-long reflection I confessed how this double life (being a good moral person externally but living a hidden hedonistic lifestyle) just didn't seem like "the way." Even though I wasn't a Christian, that year I had alot of truths spoken to me through my lifegroup (Sigma Zeta Delta), LCG (Jizzane), and church community (HMCC). I don't remember much from that year, but I do remember one truth: Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

Here I was, trying to live the best life I could with "best of both worlds"--being a good moral church-goer, while still living as the lord over my life, determined to build up the Won kingdom. It sounds so dramatic and silly but that's legitimately how much I thought my life was about me.


Recently I've been going through various ups and downs thinking about the people in my life who have been unwilling to take the initial step of surrendering to Jesus. Today as I looked back at the epic "I accepted Christ through xanga" post from 2007, I also ran into some interesting private posts in the weeks leading up to that day.

"things aren't as simple as i thought they were.. i long for so much more and yet at the same time i'm not willing to give things up.. i can't continue trying to live the best of both worlds forever.. give it up ny, s u r r e n d e r.." - Feb 17, 2007

"been feeling really down lately. as i was reviewing for my psych exam this week i was kinda scared by my connection to the warning signs of suicide--loss of interest in activities that were once important, persistent feelings of gloom and helplessness, marked changed in personality. i hate my life. okay no just kidding i've really been blessed--but looking at all the things i've been blessed with, i wonder why my life is still so unsatisfying. i have a wonderful and loving family. i'm doing fine academically. i've made a number of amazing friends. i have enough money to buy the things i need. I KNOW WHAT I NEED IN MY LIFE BUT I HAVE NO HEART. no desire. well i do have desire. but i'm still not willing. this sucks." - March 5, 2007

I think that last sentence means I realized I needed Jesus, but wasn't willing to let him at that time (haha).


I can't believe I've been on this incredible journey of knowing Christ for the past four years. Lord, thank you for saving me from the path of destruction and giving me the privilege of being a part of a grandiose plan to advance the name of Jesus.. To You be ALL THE GLORY

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